A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Persistent Thoughts

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Have you ever had a thought, a conversation or an experience that you can’t get out of your mind?  Usually they are negative thoughts that persist despite all the other good in life that really should be taking precedence for us.  Why is it that that one negative overshadows all that is good?

The short answer is… because we let it.

Why do we let it?  Because there is some part of us that believes it  – might – be true.  It doesn’t matter if it is true or not we second guess what we think, feel or believe and usually because someone else said it out loud.  Now it’s stuck playing in our heads.  How do we stop the negative thoughts that someone else imprints on us?

First, don’t resist it.  I don’t know about you but if I tell myself not to think about it that is exactly what I do think about.  Instead take a few minutes and do nothing but think about it.   Give yourself the time to acknowledge its existence.  For some people that may be enough to release the grip the thought has.

Next, if the thought persists then take the time to analyze what it is about it that bothers you the most.  Is it because of who said it, how it was said or what was said?  Is it the last straw on top of a string of negative thoughts you’ve been having lately?  In your heart do you believe it or because you’re in a place of transition in your life you’re not yet strong enough in your beliefs to dismiss it easily?  Don’t try and resolve the thought at this point.  This is merely the time to understand if fully.

Now, distract yourself.  Do something you can lose yourself in.  Play with your children, watch a fast-paced movie, or perhaps work on a project that requires you to concentrate.  Choose something that doesn’t give you time to think about anything else.  The point of this step is to force yourself out of your own head and to broaden your perspective.  This step enables you to see that you can move on from it.

Anything you resist, persists.  And… Anything you try and bury will surface when you need it least. If instead you acknowledge it and make the effort to understand it you can move on from it.  Sure you may have to make a conscious effort to think differently but when you choose to think, feel and act differently you develop a strength that serves you well.  The negative thought, did not.

With love, Cheryl

Sometimes It’s About Wanting The Pain To Stop

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Do you really want to be happy? Or do you just want all the misery to stop? I use to think these questions were really about the same thing but as I’ve worked through a great deal of stress these last few years I realize they are not.

When we face the challenges of life we live in a place that is so far removed from happiness that it’s hard to see ourselves ever being happy again.  It’s like living paycheck to paycheck and believing the gurus who tell you to visualize yourself living on the yacht and never having to work again.  It is so far removed from your reality that while you may repeat the affirmation you don’t believe it.  And when you don’t believe something you’re not going to make it happen.

Sometimes the best we can hope for is that the pain stops or at least eases up.  That doesn’t mean it’s all we deserve or all we’ll ever have but at this moment it’s what we need most.   When you’re in this place of stress you don’t have to add to it by thinking that you have to be happy, successful, wealthy… or anything else that seems so far away from reality to you.

Stop fighting the pain and quit railing against the unfairness of it all.  Instead decide that you’re OK with where you are at this moment.  That decision alone will ease your stress just a little… but enough to realize you’re not in as much pain.  When you can feel that relief you can also see more possibilities and in time happiness will come back into view.

With love,
Cheryl

How to Compete and Win Every Time

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Swimming competition in the pool - Stock photos
Swimming competition in the pool – Stock photos

I have a friend who, without exaggeration, is one of the kindest people I know. Which makes it really funny when he talks about the jerk of the day who races with him in the pool.

 He laments that when he swims every morning he likes to be left alone to do his workout in peace. But there’s always a dude who will get into the lane next to him and push off when he does. He wants to race. And just like Pavlov’s dog, my friend races him. He picks up his pace to let the other swimmer know who is boss in the pool. My friend hasn’t lost yet.

I have to laugh, though. I tell him, “If you want to be left alone, just ignore them and continue to just do your thing.” But I know that’s hard.

You see, he can’t help himself. He is compelled to race whoever wants to challenge him. It makes total sense to me. After all, we live in a competitive society. Whether we are keeping up with the Joneses or you have a friend who is a “topper” (i.e., whatever story you tell, he’s got a better one), we are looking to get a leg up on someone else.

I know there are schools who teach that non-competition is the way to go, but so much more will have to happen in order for us to be non-competitive overall. Is it even possible? And, can competition actually be healthy?

Competition: a contest for some prize, honor, or advantage

Because I have learned that, based upon my own priorities, there will always be someone who has “more.” However, when I shift my perspective to think of competition like a golf game, any and all that I do is in the context of stretching my own boundaries. I always seek to improve myself, and to me that is prize enough.

Do you find yourself becoming annoyed or jealous when you think of someone else’s life? If so, it is a perfect opportunity to get to know yourself better. When the comparisons crop up, you can try the following:

  1. Rather than think about the other person’s material possessions, make a list of qualities or a state of being you perceive them to have perhaps because of their possessions (e.g., confidence, happiness, power).
  2. Ask yourself in what ways you are confident (or happy or powerful). Recognize how those attributes are present in your life.
  3. Close your eyes, breathe in deeply, and invite in the level of confidence you perceive the other to have. Imagine them cheering you on as you expand your own level of confidence.

You have the ability to create internal advantages by transforming any sense of competition into a win-win situation. Thinking in metaphysical terms, if we are one, it means that you already have what you believe you lack. When you come across abundance in any form, welcome it as part of your experience. You will find your mood shifting into the realm of optimism and peace when you do that. All it takes is practice, and everything around you can become and expression of your own abundance.

Filling The Void

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Fotolia_81889275_Subscription_Monthly_MThe hardest thing for me since Jack died is coming home to an empty house.  It’s not that I dread it. This is the last place we shared.  It’s the emptiness I feel driving home.   And while my cats may greet me when I arrive I know it’s only because they want their treats.  Needless to say it doesn’t compare to coming home to Jack.

I’ve had people already tell me not to worry that I’ll find someone else.  The first few times I heard that it really ticked me off.  Don’t they understand that I have no desire to replace the love of your life?!?  Then I realized their advice was a reflection of their own fears.  I now say a silent prayer for them and change the subject.

Still there is a void in my life that is as vast as my love for Jack.  One of my favorite songs these days is “One Hell of an Amen” by Brantley Gilbert. While it always brings tears to my eyes it reminds me of Jack’s strength to the very end.  It came on the radio when I was driving home on Friday and at that moment it hit me that I wasn’t “fighting the good fight” and I have probably many years to live.  For me, for my life “fighting the good fight” is a metaphor.  It’s not about struggling… it’s about living life to the fullest.  I can focus on the void or I can fill it with love.  Love for myself, love for others, love for whatever brings me joy and happiness.

Climbing out of the chasm created by Jack’s death is far from easy.  Sometimes I’m going to slip and other times I may fall but I’m going to keep taking it one (simple) step at a time, fighting the good fight to keep my own sanity. And that will be my “One Hell of an Amen.”

“An’ that’s One Hell of an Amen
That’s the only way to go
Fightin’ the good fight
Til the Good Lord calls you home
So be well my friend
Til’ I see you again
Yeah this is our last goodbye
But it’s a Hell of an Amen”
– Brantley Keith Gilbert

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