A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

The Responsibility I Have For Your Happiness

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Fotolia_56275753_Subscription_Monthly_MWe’ve all heard that happiness comes from within. Someone else can’t make us happy; we have to create our own happiness. We aren’t responsible for another person’s behavior, only for how we behave in response.

I agree. Yes, I’m in charge of choosing to be happy, of seeing my glass as half full rather than half empty, of concentrating on the light at the end of the tunnel, of not depending on others for my overall peace and joy, and of opting not to ego-box with people who behave rudely.

Yet the longer I live and the more I observe the daily interactions we have, I’m convinced there is a flip side to the personal happiness coin, and it needs a lot more press. It’s that you aren’t the only one responsible for your happiness. I play a role too because my behavior creates a wake that sends energy outward, just like a boat creates waves on water.

When I was young, I often went out on our boat with my dad when he went fishing. I adored the chill of the early morning air and the sunlight dancing on the surface. I was in awe of my dad’s skill as he took aim, casting the lure between the branches of a long-dead tree partly submerged in the water near shore.

           To reach my favorite spot, we first had to cross a big lake. My father made certain my life jacket was on tight, then pushed the boat away from the dock. Once we were clear of it, he put the motor in high gear and we were off, speeding toward our destination.

Holding on tight, I looked backward. I didn’t like facing into the strong wind that our high speed created, but I wanted to watch the effect the boat had on the water as we raced over its surface. Spray shot up over the bow, wetting us. Buoys jerked up and down as we sped by. A flock of ducks quickly took flight, their tranquil morning disturbed by our waves. When we were closer to land, our boat’s wake crashed hard against the shore.

After what seemed an eternity, we arrived. My dad reduced the speed and turned the noisy, smelly, water-churning engine off. He moved up front to an electric trolling motor that silently propelled us the rest of the way, leaving only a small ripple as evidence of our passing.

When we were moving slowly, not upsetting the wildlife, I was delighted by the dragonflies that landed on the boat. Fish swam close by, undisturbed by our presence. Once, a bird came and sat for a brief moment on the steering wheel.

When it came time to head back, I was disappointed. Too soon we were off again, zooming across the lake, our wake disturbing the water and everything on it as we went by.

Many years later, during an especially hard period, it dawned on me: I am like that boat. I too leave a wake as I travel through life. Today I choose to move at a slower, more purposeful pace, although I have not always selected the right speed – in the form of responsible behavior – to represent myself well to the world.

When I wrote a check that bounced, my embarrassment caused me to take my frustration out on the people at the mean old bank. When I had loud parties, I ignored the impact on my neighbors. When I carelessly threw a plastic cup, or bag, or take-out container in the gutter, I wasn’t conscious of the fact that it became part of a swirling mass of trash in the Pacific Ocean.

As a smoker, I rarely considered the negative impact my cigarettes had on others or my pets. I never thought about who was responsible for cleaning up the cigarette butts I threw on the street. Nor did I care about leaving my shopping cart behind a car, or in the middle of the parking lot, rationalizing that someone was paid to put it away. When I was financially irresponsible, I expected family, friends, the government, or strangers to bail me out.

There was a time when I behaved like a fast boat, churning up waves of drama and chaos that crashed hard over myself and others. Looking back, I realize my careless behavior was the result of not thinking about anyone but myself. Finally it dawned on me that I could not possibly be the only person who was impacted by the results of my behavior. That open-hearted, aha moment was what it took for me to stop seeing myself as separate and alone and start seeing myself as part of our Earth family.

The key that opened the door to my heart was when I asked myself, “How will my action feel to that person?” Taking time to put myself in another’s shoes before I act allows me to be aware of how uncomfortable, frustrated, or lonely it feels to be on the receiving end of rude and thoughtless behavior. It does not feel good to be jerked up and down like a buoy. It is not enjoyable to be sprayed with or battered by the wake of another person’s unconscious behavior.

Yes, your overall contentment with life is absolutely your responsibility. The other half of that truth is that no matter how much you take responsibility for creating your own happiness — congratulations, by the way! — what I do does impact your happiness factor.

You are not going to be happy, no matter how much deep breathing you do, if I have a cell phone conversation while your child is onstage, or during a movie, or at the symphony. You can focus all your energy on remaining peaceful, but happiness will elude you if I ignore traffic signs and make an illegal U-turn, causing a traffic jam. Your calm and balance will go out the window if the ripple effect of my thoughtless behavior washes negatively over you.

The flip-side to your happiness factor — the truth — is that although I may live in a free country, I am not entitled to behave as I please. I am not free to do what I want without regard to the consequences of my actions. Action without accountability is not free. There are always consequences.

Our satisfaction and fulfillment in life come from actively creating and nurturing good relationships with everyone, not just our family and friends. I learned that good relationships are impossible if I speed carelessly through life, behaving as if I have a special pass to do whatever I want. Today I realize that when I care about the effect my actions cause, I feel fantastic about myself. I now accept that there is nothing naïve, submissive, or weak about choosing to stop rushing through life not paying attention to my actions. Real courage is slowing down enough to keep my heart open to care about you too. That is the responsibility I have for your happiness.

We Are All Connected

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Fotolia_67422249_Subscription_Monthly_MIn January an Acupuncturist friend of mine led an Introduction to Chinese Medicine workshop for the Teacher Training Program that I direct, the Yoga NH Teacher Training Program. She informed us that the seasons (spring, summer, late summer, fall and winter) are the entry point to the five elements (respectively wood, fire, earth, metal and water) of Chinese Medicine, and each element has unique phases, imbalances and virtues. The five elements are interconnected in a way that has the ability to transform us both individually and as a collective humanity. The five elements also have a connection to the cycle of life: water to wood represents birth and childhood; wood to fire represents teen to early adulthood; fire to earth is the first part of our middle years as related to family, work and community; earth to metal represents the later part of middle age to old age; and metal to water brings us to death – and then the cycle begins again. This life cycle can also be reflected in projects, performances, trips and anything that has a beginning, middle and end.

I am currently reading the book, Spiritual Ecology: The Cry of the Earth, a book of essays by spiritual and environmental leaders, edited by Llewelynn Vaughan-Lee. According to the website www.spiritualecology.org, Spiritual Ecology is an exploration of the spiritual dimension of our present ecological crisis. In particular these resources explore the interrelationship between our outer, physical ecological situation, our awareness of the sacred in creation, and our inner relationship to the symbolic world of the soul—and how this affects our own soul and the soul of the world, the anima mundi.

In the very first essay of the book, Chief Oren Lyons, Faithkeeper of the Turtle Clan of the Onondaga Nation and a Chief of the Onondaga Nation Council, writes:  “We were told that you could tell the extent of the degradation of the earth because there would be two very important systems to warn you. One would be the acceleration of the winds. We were told that the winds would accelerate and continue to accelerate. When you see that the accelerations of the winds are growing, then you are in dangerous times.”

An interesting fact in Chinese Medicine is that Air (one of the traditional four elements along with earth, water and fire) is not part of the Chinese five elements. However, within the Chinese tradition, the closest concept to Air is Qi or Chi (energy, life force) and in Chinese Medicine the element air is believed to be part of everything that exists.

As I reflect upon the concept of air and how that energy is related to the winds that Chief Lyons wrote about, I am concerned about how much the winds have accelerated in the past decade and how the extreme weather systems have impacted people around the world. Chinese Medicine and Native American teachings are connected in many ways. One of them is seeking balance, another is recognizing that humans are living between heaven and earth, and another is the understanding that when we observe changes in one area of our lives, or the world, it touches many other aspects of our world because … we are all connected.

In his essay, Chief Lyons went on to write: “They said the other way to tell that the earth was in degradation of how people treated their children. They said it will be very important to note how people treat their children and that will tell you how the earth is degrading. So, when you open up the newspapers today, they talk about exploitive sex and children, they talk about homeless children by the millions. To us, it’s a severe indication of the degradation.”

When I look into the eyes of my granddaughters – I see hope for the future of our world. Yet because we are all connected, I also feel sadness for this moment in time because there are so many issues with the mistreatment of our children, in the United States and around the world. And as I think about the children around the world and what Chief Lyons wrote, I believe the start of a new season is the perfect time to contemplate what is important to us and how we might serve those in need because … we are all connected.

Life Lessons In Disguise

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When things are going well, it is easy to remain optimistic. We need only look around to observe the good in our lives. The challenge is remaining positive during difficult times, finding meaning in life’s obstacles. When we are faced with hardships, it is easy to become overwhelmed and question, “Why me?” or “What have I done to deserve this?” But what if there is something valuable to be gained in these challenging times? What if hardships provide us with invaluable lessons that make us stronger, wiser, and enable us to grow emotionally and spiritually? Often, perceived mistakes become our biggest blessings and a difficult situation our greatest opportunity for growth.

The question then becomes, “How do I keep the faith during challenging times?” “How do I trust that perceived mistakes can be blessings in disguise?” An important first step is believing there is a greater order and purpose to life than we see in the present moment, having faith in a higher power, and trusting that the universe or God can help us make peace with difficult times. Believing there is an ebb and flow to life can help us appreciate the “good” and the “bad” and see the value in both. A second step we can take is practicing self-care. When we are feeling down, we often turn to comfort foods and neglect our workout program when this is precisely the time we would benefit the most from looking after ourselves. Make sure you are getting adequate rest and exercise and eating a healthy diet; your body needs the extra care and love. Lastly, adopting a mindset of gratitude can be transformative. It shifts our focus from what has gone wrong to everything that is going right. If we expand our definition of gratitude, we may find ourselves becoming grateful for life’s challenges.

If you are able to keep the faith during difficult times, you will be able to look back on your life and appreciate the lessons, and even the many blessings, that are present in all your experiences. Perhaps losing your job encouraged you to start your own business and pursue what you are passionate about. The loss of a relationship led you to look within and learn more about yourself and what you want from life. The death of a loved one led you to explore your spiritual beliefs and come to an understanding that we are more than our physical bodies.
In order to receive these important life lessons, we must be open-minded, not get so wrapped up in our current situation that we fail to see the possibilities that surround us, challenge our definition of what it means to live a meaningful life, and understand that within every experience there is a life transforming lesson we can choose to receive.

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