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Simple Steps is a safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.
- Cheryl Maloney

A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

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It’s The Choice That Heals or Hurts

May 21, 2015 by Cheryl Maloney

Everyday is a new experience as I learn to live solo.  Some of those experiences are terrifying (ok a little bit of an exaggeration.)  Others may be things I’ve experienced before and am seeing them differently without another voice to share them with.  None of that sounds particularly good to me which is where the choice comes in.

May 5th would have been our 36th wedding anniversary.  Yes it was very hard. Mourning the loss of the love of my life, the sharing, the laughter, our future together, is natural. I’m OK with that. I however intend to celebrate the life we did have.  Taking this approach contributes to my healing.

Last week though marked the 3rd month of Jack’s passing.   I noted the day but made the choice not to give the day more attention than the fact it was a Friday.  The last thing that I want my life to be about is Jack’s death. To do so would just magnify my loss… and that would hurt, more.  For me it’s not a day to celebrate although yes it was a day that marked the end to his suffering.  Now however is no longer about him… it’s about how I will choose to live my life.

Jack will always be a part of me.  When you love someone as deeply as I love him our souls are inseparable.   My life now, without his physical presence, is about what I need.  I can no longer help him… or build the rest of my life around him.

I will honor my husband by the way I live my life.  I will honor myself by choosing to live fully and committing myself to living with as much joy and happiness as I can find.  It’s not always going to be easy and sometimes I’m going to be miserable.   Grieving is a process… and we all go through it.

If you’ve lost any one or any thing in your life that matters you’re grieving too.  Remember that it is your choice to heal or hurt.  Sometimes you won’t make a healing choice.  That truly is OK because tomorrow you can make a difference choice.  Be gentle with yourself, always.

With love, Cheryl

I Hear Music

May 11, 2015 by Janet Thomas

My neighborhood is getting more and more popular, and we have active social lives. We get lots of visitors and because of this, parking has been more challenging recently.

A few nights ago I had to park around the corner. As I walked down the street to my house, I could hear music from my neighbor’s house. Their daughters take music lessons and one of them was practicing the piano. It sounded wonderful!

I smiled as I remembered one of my childhood friends who lived across the street and practiced the drums every day. As kids we used sneak over there and listen outside his bedroom window; he became that good. He has been a professional drummer for decades now, and has toured the world with top artists.

I did pause outside my neighbor’s house. I imagined that the only sound in the house during that hour was the sweet sound of the piano. I imagined that everyone else was reading, writing, or quietly spending time together. Knowing them, it was easy to imagine that there was no television or other electronic distractions, just themselves, learning.

I smiled as I thought about what folks might say years later about the girls’ musical achievements, knowing that I bore witness to it as it developed.

I was grateful for having to park and walk that night, because it reminded me of cool, lazy and peaceful evenings I experienced while growing up. I was delighted to know that, in this day and age of technology, there is still live music being played by children in the heart of the hustling and bustling city.

Understand that when you connect with a pleasant memory, smell or sensation from your past, it amplifies and sweetens your present moment. You can open up to experience more memories by saying to yourself, “I am willing to remember any and all of my pleasant memories to give me a smile today.”

As the weather warms and you continue to enjoy Spring and then cross the bridge into Summer, may you too enjoy cool, lazy and peaceful evenings. May you welcome its rejuvenation, and take pause to acknowledge the magic from your past. Breathe it in as deeply as you can, and allow it to inspire you here and now.

 

On Living

May 10, 2015 by Cheryl Maloney

 There was a time in my life that I didn’t want to crawl out from under the covers.  I was in a place 6 years ago where I’d lost everything that was important to me, except my marriage, and with it went my desire to do anything. One night I was watching TV when a commercial for antidepressants came on and I realized that’s what my life had become.  I existed.  That’s when I began writing and how Simple Steps came to be.

To say that this year didn’t start out the way I’d hoped is an understatement.  These last years though have taught me so much about myself and the choices I can make.  Yes, I am grieving and I’m OK with that.   There is however a bigger picture.  I’m not hiding under the covers.

Every experience teaches us something new about ourselves and our resilience.   We may not like the lesson but we can celebrate something… even though it may take a little while to do so.  Jack is the love of my life (period).  But my life goes on in this world and he’s in another one.   So while I may be grieving I’m also living.

Yesterday I volunteered at the Humane Society Doggie Dash here in Portland.  Last weekend my friend Jane & I drove out to wine country and explored the little towns, shops & sat on a beautiful deck and had a glass of wine.  Next weekend I’m driving to Seattle to visit friends and enjoy the city.   In June I’m celebrating my 60th birthday with friends in San Francisco.  Life goes on. And we take it at the pace that is right for us.

We find our balance and we move on.  We honor ourselves and make the conscious decision to find happiness again.  And if we fall into a black hole or lapse backward for a while that’s OK too.  We’re allowed to feel the pain just as we’re allowed to feel the joy again.

Anyone who knew Jack & I would say that I’m doing amazingly well in these last 3 months.  I choose to see moving forward as honoring his spirit.  If Jack could die with courage and grace then I can live with courage and grace… even if I have to live without him.
Life may not always be easy… but it’s our to do with as we choose.  What do you choose?

With love, Cheryl

Lack of Attention

May 4, 2015 by Rob Dorgan Steve Bolia

BuddahIt’s late Monday morning and I’m sitting in the lounge of a dealership waiting on my car which is for regular maintenance. I’m expecting to wait for about an hour and a half, so I brought a few snacks, my laptop and my copy of Thich Nhat Hanh’s, “Essential Writings”. Within the waiting room there are another half dozen others, waiting, like me. There is a television on. I’ve positioned myself away from the TV, actually behind it, so as not to see the screen. It is blaring. I even questioned to myself, why is it so loud? The overhead speakers are playing dated music and on top of all this noise, there is the occasional overriding voice of the receptionist, directing calls to the appropriate extensions. For the short time I am there, the TV programs progress from a rambunctious game show, to local headline news, to one of those over-dramatized soap-operas.

While all of this is all going on, I somehow manage to get a little work completed on my laptop which I then tuck away in my bag. I reach for my book. I begin to read, then pause, caught up in the excitement of the Game Show. I direct my attention back to the page, this time, only able to read a couple of lines before I realize I have no idea what I just read – someone just won a “NEW CAR”! So I start back at the beginning of the paragraph. This goes on for about 15 minutes when it dawns on me that the experience in this waiting room, with all the noise, excitement and movement, is exactly what Hanh’s book is describing. This waiting room is an extension, and an excellent example of the antics of the mind – like a monkey swinging from branch to branch, the music, the TV and all the other distractions are exactly how the mind works when it is allowed to be in control. So, as I sit here waiting for my car, I find myself becoming aware of being mindful of the experience that my book is describing.

We, as a population, fill the silence of our days with all kinds of noise and distractions. Why? We do not want to feel alone. We can be so afraid of the silence that exists within us. This fear drives us to surround and bombard ourselves with noise – any kind of noise will do! Noise from multiple sources is preferable, just in case one source goes quiet for a moment, and sometimes, the louder, the better.   Why do we fear the quiet voice of our True Self, the voice, which can only be heard when we are in silence? According to Thich Nhat Hanh, “Almost no one listens to his or her true self. But when we are not ourselves, any freedom we think we have is illusionary. Sometimes we reject freedom because we fear it. Our true selves are buried beneath layers of moss and brick.”   These layers of moss and brick are the opinions, expectations, noise and distractions we invite into our daily lives. Watching TV or movies, listening to music, even reading a book are all ways we occupy our time so that we do not have to experience the sensational quiet of the Self.   We may say that through the books, music, movies and even the TV, we are expanding our knowledge.   Yet, it is only when we allow ourselves to be quiet that we begin to expand our knowledge of our True Self.

So, how can we tap into the inner silence? Certainly not by trying but by simply sitting with our eyes closed and the stereo, TV and other people turned OFF!   We cannot get there by trying to get there, because this trying only takes us out – it is an effort that leads us away from our center and the quiet. It was suggested by The Buddha some 2500 years ago and it is now the hottest topic among Neuro Scientist all over the World – Meditation—it is good for our Brain! There are many ways to meditate. They include: sitting quietly and just observing the mind – trying to detach yourself from your thoughts (kind of hard to do because our brain is designed to think – but possible with practice). You can practice Mantra (chanting) or Pranayama (breath exercises). You can practice walking meditation – where you focus completely on the movement of the body or use Guided visual meditations.   There are many paths to the quiet but the most important aspect of any of them is actually making or taking the time to do them. If you feel you have time, then you will make time. If you feel there just isn’t any extra time in your already busy day, well, then you will not do it – it’s really just a decision on your part. If it is important to you, you will find a way. If it is not important to you, you will find an excuse!

Your sitting does not need to be 30 minutes or an hour; it can be as little as seven minutes a day to make an impact on your life, your health and your awareness! Yes! In as little as 7 minutes per day, for at least 21 days in a row, you can begin to change the neural pathways in your brain which will start you on a journey of self-discovery and awareness. Scientist, through the help of magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) have found that people who meditate regularly exhibit a greater capacity for concentration, improved attention, mental flexibility and more emotional control than non-meditators.

Turn the TV and the radio off. Close the book.

We are all seeking inner peace and happiness. The fascinating thing is that it comes from inside while we are seeking it out in the world. Wow. Try something different today. Take a few deep, deep breaths and settle into the silence of your being. You may just find, there is nothing to fear. For inside you, if we go deep enough we can find that river of peace that flows through us with each full and delicious breath. Come on. Give it a try.

Steve Bolia

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