A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

You Can Change Your Mind

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Fotolia_30758739_Subscription_XXLDo you hesitate to make a decision because you don’t want to make a mistake?  Have you decided that the next job, the next relationship or your next home is going to be the last one so you want it to be perfect?  When we place such high expectations on ourselves we end up being stuck… and that doesn’t make us happy, satisfied or remotely fulfilled.

You can take the pressure off yourself with one Simple Step … a shift in your perspective.  Rather than thinking in absolutes decide to make your choices based on where you are in life right now.  You don’t know where you’ll be a year from now let alone five or ten years down the line so why feel you have to make a decision now for what might happen in the future?

Think of it this way.  You wouldn’t make the same decisions now that you did when you were a teenager, right?  So why think you have to make a decision now that will work for the rest of your life? Instead think of your decision as making the best choice you can based on what you know or believe right now.  Allow yourself the freedom to make a different decision when it’s appropriate for you to do so.  And that feels so much better than setting an unrealistic expectation.

You May Be Hearing but Are You Listening?

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Fotolia_55310332_Subscription_XLIs the little voice inside your head getting your attention?  Or are you hearing it and ignoring it because you don’t like what it says?  Are your friends, family, the sales person, your boss or anyone else giving you advice that is drowning out your own voice?  When we believe that someone else knows more about what we should do than we do we undermine our own sense of security.

In my “downfall” years… the time when everything seemed to go wrong in my life I was taking the advice of gurus and well-intentioned friends who I thought were more experienced than me.  The entire time my inner voice was screaming at me but I chalked it up to stepping outside my comfort zone.  I second guessed every decision I made and ultimately followed a path that someone else had recommended.

Looking back even further into my life I have come to realize that I’ve been doing something similar ever since I can remember.  In some cases my parents were protecting me or setting me to up meet their definition of success.  At other times I just wanted to be liked or be part of a crowd.   In other words I had a long-standing history of doing what I was told by someone else.

The voice that comes from within is the voice of our soul… the part of us that is more than this physical existence. Call it the god within or our higher power speaking through us.  If you believe in that higher power than you also believe that god means love.  So why aren’t we listening?

I believe we can learn to trust our inner voice.  We do so asking a question and sitting quietly as listening for the answer.  Start with a small question and listen. For example ask what  you should have for lunch or perhaps who you should reach out to today.  Then do that.  Be sure to not engage in a debate about the answer.  Take it at face value and go with the flow… so to speak.  Do this for a few weeks and each time you listen to your voice take note of how it worked out for you.  You’ll soon discover that you can trust your voice and can take it up a notch my asking about something more important.  The key here is to proceed at your own pace and to take your own counsel.

Only you have your best interest in mind.  When you learn to listen and proceed on your own advice you’ll discover the ground beneath you is tera firma!

With love, Cheryl

Demystifying a Myth

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cards-tall2:cards/tallKnowing that I write this column, my husband read to me a story that he read he thought might be good to write about.  I did some research and in fact it IS a good story to write about, but for a different reason.

The story is commonly described as Cherokee in origin. According to sources considered expert in Native American/First Nation stories, it is not. The story in its various forms is about two dogs or wolves that fight each other…one good and one bad.  When asked which one wins, the answer is “The one I feed.” Just google “Cherokee two wolves origin” to get to these sources.

What is interesting about this story is that, unlike First Nation peoples, we of other origins need to add a moral to our stories. That is how we “think”.  That is not a bad thing…it just isn’t First Nation. It IS a great description of our contemporary evolving thinking, that what you think about you give energy to…and attract it to you. This is an issue I struggled with a great deal over the last 9 years as a mega-mining company wanted to build the largest open-pit gravel quarry in the country less than two miles directly up wind of our home.

What a great opportunity this was to learn to really LIVE this belief!

I didn’t want to “push against” the quarry, as that would give it my energy.  But I really didn’t want it in my back yard for many reasons…nor did the majority of the 100,000 plus other people who are my neighbors.  So what did I do?  I certainly did participate in all the marches, etc.  I made signs and advertisements and flyers as was requested by the group. I showed up. I did research and presented at meetings the potential economic effect on real estate/property tax revenues.

But I also built a water sculpture in my yard facing the mountain…using art to send energy to protect it.  I also made, just for myself, a little movie about the mountain…inviting all the “Gods” of the world to come and dance on the mountain.  I only showed that to a few people because the important thing to me was the positive energy I sent out from myself, from my heart, during the act of creating it. I was showering the mountain with love from my soul.

I did the film after I was drawn into a public argument with one of the mining people at one of our events.  Of course a very unattractive photo, in color, of me arguing was on the front page of our newspaper the next day…with my name in the caption!  Also the day of our event, the wind blew a big bulletin board over and hit me on the head…I literally had to be hit on the head to remind me to stop that behavior!

So I tried to balance the energy by making the little film.

A few years into the situation, the local Pechanga First Nation people made public their belief that this mountain was the location of their creation story.  I had no idea of this when I made the water sculpture or the film.  In the end, after many ups and downs, wins and losses, they were able to purchase the land and stop the quarry.

My good friend Rani Mari and I have spent many hours discussing this subject…of your thoughts giving energy to “things”…and we came up with a new way of looking at it.  Pretending something isn’t there really doesn’t work for me.  So now, I acknowledge it, release my feelings about it, and, with feeling, focus on what I want.

  1. Acknowledge
  2. Release the negative feelings
  3. Focus, with feeling, on what I do want to see.

 A.R.F. …just like a happy doggie barking for what it wants.  So, back to the dog/wolf story.  Think of a happy dog, a cartoon dog if you like, with the voice bubble over his head filled with “Arf” to remind you of this technique!

That is the dog/wolf you want to feed to make your life as happy and successful as it can be!

Arf!

Thank You Love Substitutes

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Screen Shot 2014-02-02 at 7.29.03 PMThis month I am embarking on a new journey of teaching in live workshops.  I am sharing the tools and techniques in Lemons, Lemonade & Life in order to heal emotional eating.

For this new endeavor I needed to spread the word, and what better way to do that than electronically?  But, we’re all so busy these days, unless an email title is compelling enough, chances are we won’t even open it.

So as I pondered headlines, titles and idea after idea, nothing really resonated with me.  For weeks.  Then one night as my mind wandered, I really remembered what food meant to me before I healed emotionally.  Food was my focus.  It was comforting and kind to me.  For decades, food was my best friend.

I remember when I was obese.  I was unhappy and potentially facing illness and disease if I continued to gain weight.  I remember how I needed to change my relationship with food and, after I healed emotionally, I was finally ready to take those steps.

I realized that I needed to break up with food as my best friend.  It lied to me.  It felt caring and comforting and nurturing when I was eating it, yet that feeling didn’t last long.  And as my weight climbed and climbed, I remember feeling more and more helpless.  And that’s when I got the title: “Your Best Friend is a Liar… It’s Time to Break Up.”

I was successful in breaking up with food as my best friend.  And once I got back into the driver’s seat of my life and I stabilized my weight, I came to realize that food had been my substitute for love.  I didn’t feel badly about it, because it was a way to connect to love when I couldn’t feel it otherwise.  I needed love and understanding so desperately, and it provided that.  It kept me on the planet long enough to heal then learn to use it in a more balanced way.

Many of us use food as our substitute for love.  There are other love substitutes, such as shopping, alcohol, drugs, plastic surgery, exercise, career, money and even other people.  When we are out of balance and use them in excess, we can see the impact on our bodies and in the quality of our lives.

What’s beautiful about recognizing when you have a love substitute is identifying that what you really seek is love and understanding.  That is the positive wish underneath the excessive use of something, and it provides wonderful direction on how you can start moving forward – by building your self-love and self-understanding first.  After all, our love substitutes are habits, and habits can be broken.

In considering this, the idea of ridding yourself of love substitutes, you may ask, “Well, if I got rid of everything I enjoy, what’s left?”  And the answer is, nothing… and everything. Stripped of the distractions of life, you can identify the real you.  Your real gifts – ones you were born with that have been stymied — await you so that you can use the things of life in balance and harmony with your spirit. Who better to belong to and with than yourself?  Once that bond is established, it is permanent and your ability to shift your relationship with your love substitutes becomes a true possibility.

To build self-love and self-understanding, you can start by honoring what you did to survive to this point.  Understand that it served a positive purpose for you.  It may feel counter-intuitive, however when you acknowledge and honor what you did to survive, it gives you the ability to shift more easily.

If you feel that it’s time to break up with your love substitutes, you might not be ready at the moment, but thinking about it is a wonderful first step.

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