A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

It’s Time to Break the Mold

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 Fotolia_51739931_Subscription_Monthly_MMy friends went on a mini road trip with their three month old baby to visit family. They had a terrific time and I enjoyed hearing about it when they returned. After all, with their first child in tow it certainly was a brand new experience. And, they couldn’t be happier.

My friend is totally in love with his baby son. He is hands on and very attentive. He is eager to do whatever it takes to ensure the baby’s safety, health and well-being.

He told me that when the baby was born, he and his wife would feed him every two hours, and then a couple of months later, the baby started sleeping for four hours at night. However, after their mini road trip, the baby reverted to waking up every two hours again. We gathered that it was probably due to his routine being interrupted by the road trip, but whatever the reason, it didn’t matter. They would honor his two hour schedule until he resumed a longer sleep cycle.

For so long I had felt damaged and undeserving. But when my son was a newborn, I would marvel at how beautiful and innocent he was. That was the first time I made the connection that I, too, was once as tiny, vulnerable and innocent. It rocked my world.

When I reconnected with the idea that I was innocent, I unwittingly began my healing journey. I came to realize that the abuse I experienced as a little girl wasn’t my fault. By safely expressing my anger and sorrow, my wounds began to heal for real, and I learned to value myself authentically for the first time ever.

As I healed, my enthusiasm and optimism returned in earnest. I learned how to stop comparing myself to others and honor my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. In short, I reconnected with my own “normal.”

I think about how easy it is to simply accept the routine as it naturally unfolded for my friend’s son. And, I wonder how life would be if we reconnected with our innocence – or blamelessness, goodness, guiltlessness, and purity. What would life be like if we honored our unique timing, and understood that the non-preferred situations in our lives still render us blameless and pure?

By conforming to what we see and experience in the world, we can lose the connection with our own “normal.” We second guess our thoughts and feelings; we see someone else’s success and believe that we’re doing things wrong; and we think that connecting with the idea of innocence is like the kiss of death.

When it comes to the little ones we can effortlessly honor their timing and their innocence, yet it is beyond challenging to merely acknowledge our own. It’s as if we are clay — molded into society’s desired shape and form for us to the point where we may forget who we really are.

For example, when your feelings are hurt, I’d be willing to bet you have a, “I shouldn’t feel this way” inner dialogue to some degree. Generally speaking, the word “should” infers that the right way to do something is “out there” in the world somewhere, and is not in harmony with how you are feeling naturally. So, you ignore or judge how you feel in search of the “right” way to feel.

When you ignore or judge how you feel, you miss the opportunity to connect with yourself in an authentic way. If you are being authentic, you will acknowledge what is so for you. When you re-align with that, watch your intuition and clarity sharpen!

We must continue to break the mold of conforming to what we view as “normal.” It is time to destroy the myth that you can find happiness outside of yourself. It is time to reconnect with your innocence and self-trust. It is time to embrace your non-preferred experiences, not as a victim but as the strong and victorious person that you are.

You were born with everything you need in order to thrive on the planet. You were given the tools to gain strength and wisdom from your non-preferred experiences, and to honor yourself in the midst of them. You have the ability to reconnect with your sound judgment, good timing and beautiful innocence. May you enhance your connection to your authentic self this year and always.

Traffic….the Path to Nirvana

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RD2On any one day, most of us will open the door to a car, sit down behind the steering wheel, turn the key and navigate our way through a maze of blacktop, concrete, on-ramps, exits, bridges, tunnels, school zones, construction sites and when we’re really lucky, wide open pavement which leads us to some destination other than the one where we are. Sometimes as we’re driving around I say to Rob, “Look at all these people who are someplace that they don’t want to be!”   This is the cause of …… TRAFFIC!

Traffic is one of the most interesting and relative happenings of which I know. Whether there is any traffic to speak of or not really depends on what time of day it is, what city you are in, how big the roads are compared to how many cars are on those roads, weather conditions and most of all the mental and emotional state of all the different folks driving all those cars.  Yes, the mental and emotional state! Are the drivers on their way to or from a job they love or hate? Are they out running errands with no set schedule? Are they on their way to an emergency care unit to tend to a loved one? Are they texting, talking on the phone, eating or trying to find street signs because they are lost? All of this reflects on how your fellow road-mates react to the conditions they are in and inevitably how well they stay in their lane.

I have found that once we enter our cars we become islands – separated from the rest of the world no matter what time of day it is or how many other cars are along on our journey. With our doors locked and stereo on, we cruise along on a path we believe belongs totally to us. Sometimes forgetting the driver’s ed. classes that we endured so many years ago!    Rules, regulations and courtesy are sometimes forgotten by us and at the same time MUST be remembered by everyone else. I can’t believe how many times I have found myself saying; “Can you believe that so-in-so? Where did they learn to drive?” When perhaps it was I who was following a little too close or driving a little too fast.

*Driving Quiz: When is it OK not to use a turn single?

  1. When there is no one behind you.
  2. When you are in a turn only lane.
  3. When there is no one in the on-coming lane.
  4. When turning right on red.
  5. One should always use a turn signal when changing direction or lanes.

The most broken laws on the road these days are: speeding, failure to stop, improper turns, use of a cell phone and distracted or dangerous driving. How often do you break or bend these rules? Are you justified in speeding because you are late for an appointment? Do you just “roll” through stop signs or past a school bus? Do you really stop before you make that right turn on a red light? Are you guilty of texting while driving?   What about trying to read the newspaper or a map or putting on makeup while behind the wheel?

My questioning here has made me really begin to pay attention to my own driving habits and I began to notice some unkindness in myself as I was driving. Why did my everyday practices of giving and service morph into self-serving habits once I sat down behind the wheel? I found that almost as soon as I sat down in the car my heart rate would elevate just a little. Wow, how surprising! Even when I was really trying to be the best driver I could be, I found that I became intoxicated by the drivers around me. If someone started to pass me on the inside – what did I do? – I accelerated!  Turn signals weren’t so automatic for me and merging was sometimes a struggle. The more I noticed, the more I realized it was a time for a change. So, I have begun to look at my driving skills in a new light – in fact I have begun to shine a light on exactly what I’m doing when I’m behind the wheel. I began to pay attention to how I was driving and how I reacted to the situations presented to me when I am behind the wheel.

I turned to my everyday practices which have allowed me to be a more caring person. These practices have opened me up to be one who is more caring to myself and others and to be of service to everyone. Somehow, when I was in my ‘island car’, these practices eluded me. I felt the separation when I got into a car! Now, I work every time I’m the driver, to approach traffic of any kind, as a practice – an opportunity to offer kindness, compassion and forgiveness to those around me and to be of service to my fellow commuters. I remind myself to back off the gas so as to allow that silver car to merge onto the freeway. I stop short of a red traffic light to allow someone to pull out of a parking lot or corner gas station. I pull over and stop for an emergency vehicle to pass and I even stop at a corner with no marked crosswalk so the person standing there may cross the street (remembering that I am the one sitting in a warm, dry car!). In some cases these are just random acts of kindness – in other cases it may save a life!RD1

We are community based beings. No matter how small or how large our immediate community is, we all deal with traffic. Use your time behind the wheel to bestow kindness and generosity to those around you. You don’t have to give money to be generous; you can simply give the person on the ‘on-ramp’ an opportunity to merge, or the guy in front of you a little more room. These everyday situations can be turned into Sacred Moments.   Yep, even in the heights of rush-hour traffic we can drop all judgments, take a deep breath and bless our fellow travelers on their journey and extend random acts of kindness to everyone we pass. No one but you will know about these random acts of kindness…and that my friend is true service!

Happy trails.  Steve & Rob

*Answer to the Quiz – e. One should always use a turn signal when changing directions or lanes.

How Are You Treating Yourself Today?

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Banner for SSRCRegardless of what happened to you in the past or how you were mistreated by others, what matters most is how you are treating yourself today.

As a child and young adult I was molested by a male baby sitter and doctor. I suffered under religious and societal persecution. I was not a good student, or pretty, or self-assured and was told I was not smart enough, I was worthless, and that I would never amount to anything. People said and did lots of hurtful things to me. I was mistreated in harmful ways. Ridicule, bullying, and judgment made me angry.

When I expressed my anger I was punished or shamed into repressing my emotions. I felt rejected, unheard, and my emotions discounted. Often I’d express that I was angry, sad, fearful, disappointed, only to be told, “Oh no, you’re not feeling that.” As a young person I learned to mistrust my own perceptions and suppress what I felt. Not being able to express anger in healthy ways I turned that anger and frustration inward.

I developed many negative and self-destructive habits like smoking, drinking, and moving from relationship to relationship. I allowed myself to be mistreated and abused. I did not set boundaries, had no ability to stay true to myself, allowed people to use me as a doormat, and was co-dependent looking to other people for validation and self-worth. I spent without responsibility putting on a good show to for outside world that I was happy. There was a time I abused prescription drugs and alcohol. I did not care about the risks and thought dying would be the answer to my messed up life.

One day I was blessed with a huge self-loving realization. It was not possible for me to wave a magic wand and presto the sexual molestation was erased like it never happened. I had no power to fix or change other people or my past and how I was treated. So, why was I still allowing a horrible past to dictate how I was living in the present? Why was I still treating myself badly? Who was going to treat me in the loving, respectful, and supportive ways I wanted if I did not treat myself lovingly, respectfully, and supportive first?

To let go of my past I had to become focused on and responsible for my present. I had to get my act together by getting my behavior together. I had to let go of feeling deserving of abuse. Deep down I knew I was not now, and never had been, deserving of mistreatment. People do hurtful and stupid things. But that did not mean I had to keep the self-abuse alive.

As we enter 2015, let go of the idea hurting yourself will get back at those people who hurt you in the first place. One of the greatest acts of self-love is refusing to allow your past to define your present. Self-love begins in earnest when you accept that regardless of what happened to you in the past or how you were mistreated by others, what matters most is how you are treating yourself today.Regina Sundays

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It’s Time To Crack The Code

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Fotolia_70982363_Subscription_Monthly_M“I’ve got to find the gift in this situation. What is it?”

“How do I manage my stress in this situation? “How!” “What am I missing?”

That was my brain for about a month. I was thinking over and over again about what I could do to reduce my stress levels when it came to the computer and telephone system at work. I am the one who would contact the techs who maintained the system, but during that month, it seemed like every day something was malfunctioning. And folks’ tempers and patience were being tested with every glitch, and I found my stress level rising and rising. One particular issue was ongoing and I became stressed beyond belief.

“What is the gift?” “What is it?” “What am I missing that will help me deal with this better?”

For decades I have lived under the premise that all of the non-preferred situations in my life serve me somehow, I just have to figure out how they serve me, exactly as-is. This way of living helped me crack the code on the abuse I experienced. It also helped me enjoy permanent weight loss, shift clinical depression and enjoy healthier relationships.

 As I found myself in a serious arm-wrestling match with a temperamental computer network, I knew that there was a way for me to crack the code on this particular recurring stressful experience. There was a life-enhancing gift in it that I hadn’t yet discovered. I knew that once I discovered the gift in it, my stress would go away because I got what I needed to understand from it.

And, my breakthrough happened during a conversation with a friend, who had high expectations of people and constantly found herself in a state of disappointment. I could relate because I remember when I used to place my well-being in the hands of others. I remember expecting things from other people and feeling disappointment when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted.

I came to the conclusion that, in order to curb my disappointment, I needed to change my expectations of others. That way, when folks would keep their word and follow through without my expecting anything, I’d be delighted. I came to understand that we are all doing the best we can at any given time and we are not perfect. We can’t be all things to all people, and the best we can do is to be a wonderful friend to ourselves.

When I shared that philosophy with my friend, that’s when my own light bulb went on. I realized that I was expecting the computer network to run flawlessly, and when it didn’t, I was disappointed. Therefore, it was my own expectation that created my stress!

I thought about it. Computers are not perfect, and function beyond my control. They break down, they get hacked, underlying circuits have interruptions; there’s a lot that can go wrong. So, all that time when I was expecting the system to run perfectly, I was expecting it to do something it was not designed to do.

I cracked the code, and shifted my perspective. I now expect the network to mess up. That way, when I get a call that something is malfunctioning, I smile rather than stress, because I expected to get that call. With that, my stress is G-O-N-E, and the only thing that changed in that scenario was me. I’m back in my own driver’s seat again, happily balanced and peaceful. Thank you for the gift, wonderful and imperfect computer system. Now you can break down and I will take it in stride!

Here we are at the New Year, and it is wonderful to contemplate how we can make simple steps for real change. It is time to transform disappointment into freedom and joy, and this is how I invite you to explore doing it:

Understand that when you are disappointed, it simply means that you have unfulfilled expectations. You are expecting someone or something to do what it is not designed to do. When you release your expectations – when you accept things (and people) to be naturally imperfect rather than trying to control the uncontrollable (remember the popular definition of insanity?), your disappointment levels will go way, way down.

The next time you are disappointed, ask yourself how the situation serves you exactly as it is. Check to see what your expectations are, and what you expected to get out of it. If you find that your expectations are unrealistic, it is an opportunity for you to reaffirm your own ability to be at peace without that thing or person acting as you expected. And when you do that, you will find yourself becoming lighter, and more in control of your own happiness.

When you find yourself disappointed when people don’t do what you expect or want them to do, understand that they are doing the best they can at any given time. It is not their job to make sure that you are happy, that is your job. And all that takes, on your part, is a shift in perspective, and your non-preferred situations can be the bearers of tremendous gifts and clarity.

May this be the year that you become skilled at cracking the code in your life. Be willing to get the gifts waiting for you all year round!

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