A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

There Is Always A Message

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We just have to be open to receive it…

This was a particularly difficult day. I don’t know why… it just was.  Driving home in tears I just wanted to hear Jack’s voice… or at least feel his presence and know he is close.  Nothing.  I just felt empty.  And there was no consoling my grief.

After dinner I decided to walk the route Jack and I use to take.  It was getting colder and I decided to wear Jack’s favorite jacket.  I just needed to feel him close.  Cleaning out the pockets I came across a silver medallion that I’d never seen before.  It said,
“One Day At A Time” on one side and on the other side is a version of the Serenity Prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

It wasn’t what I thought I wanted but it was what I needed.   And there was no coincidence that it came to me when I needed it most.  There was peace in this discovery.

Are you open to receiving what you need in some form other than what you think you should? What might you discover if you set aside your expectations and allow yourself to be comforted?

Sometimes it’s enough just to be open to the possibilities.

With love, Cheryl

 

Moving On At All

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Reflections by Jack Maloney
Reflections by Jack Maloney

I have always tried to be strong… but I’m not.  Somethings in life are just inconceivable even when you realize they are staring you down.  When we experience the things that cut us off at the knees its hard to think straight let alone be strong.  At one point as Jack’s life was winding down I lay crying in bed and for the first time he said to me in his weakened voice, “No more tears!”  But I couldn’t stop crying…

When I thought I couldn’t cry any more… I’d cry again.  In my heart though I knew Jack didn’t want me to mourn his death. He wanted me to move on with my life.  He wanted me to cherish our good times and put the bad times and his dying behind me.  As I sit here and write this I remember his courage in the face of death yet I’m still crying.

I miss him.  I miss sitting in the living room, side by side, comfortable in our silence.  I miss him starting his day off reading photography blogs because I knew whatever nugget he gleaned from them would be implemented in a photo.  I miss him chopping up vegetables and us cooking together.

I don’t miss his suffering and I’d would never have wanted him to stay with me and suffer.  And the end of his life was all suffering.  I don’t want to remember the suffering.  When I have a bad memory of the last few weeks of his life I stop myself and shift my thoughts to a better time.  Reliving that pain serves no purpose for me… and now it is all about my life and moving on.

I know for me moving on doesn’t mean that I leave Jack or his memory behind.  He remains embedded in my soul.  I have to take what he has given me and use that strength to create what my life is to become.  Some call it finding “new normal” but there is nothing “normal” about all this, yet.

My life isn’t over because my husband died.  Instead a new life is beginning.  My family has longevity which means I could live another 30+ years… almost as long as Jack & I were married.  That’s a long time and I know I don’t want to stay in my sadness for the rest of my days.

We each get to decide what we want for whatever time we have left on this earth.  We each get to take a step forward… or to pause and gain our strength.  It is our choice to make.  Whatever you choose to do… do it for you, for your happiness, for your own soul. Because at the moment that’s all you need to do.

With love, Cheryl

Embracing The Memories

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Mama-JoI’m not sure if it’s because I’m at a certain point in my life and it’s just the way the Universe works or if it’s just a coincidence but I feel that I am surrounded by many who are going through the process of losing a parent, a sibling or a spouse. In the past few months, I have passed on my condolences to many, by quoting a man who I only know via email, “Their absence has now become their presence.”   The first time I read this, I was so moved because it totally hit home for me. My parents pass away 10 years ago and yet, there are still many moments in every day where I find myself spending time with them.

Ten years ago this month, my mom (Mama-Jo) went into the hospital for a surgery to repair an Abdominal Aortic Aneurism – a very lengthy and ominous procedure where the possible outcome was less than in her favor. But she and my Dad made the decision to move ahead with the surgery given that the Aneurism could have burst any time, in its own time, resulting in sure death. So with bravery in her eyes and a Knowing in her Heart that everything was going to work out for the best, she set out on this incredible journey.

After a nine hour procedure she was moved to Intensive Care where she spent four months moving towards recovery. In May of that year she was moved to a Rehabilitation Facility – she was on her way home. But early one morning in late May, she became just too tired to keep trying and left this earthly plane to begin anew.

Two days afterwards, my Dad presented my Siblings and I a letter which Mama-Jo had penned in early January of 2005 :

My Dear Children and Grand-children,

            If you are reading this – I did not survive my surgery. This is not the way I wanted it but God has seen fit to call me home at this time. While I am leaving dear ones who love me, I am going to other dear ones who have gone on before me.

            Kathy, Steve and Mark – I love the three of you so very much. I was not the perfect mother but I never wanted anything but the very best for each of you. It is hard to lose a parent, someone you love, I know how it hurts not – but time will heal your pain and there will be only wonderful memories of all the great times we have had together.

            I love your families, Tom, Eileen and Rob, the Ones you have chosen to spend your lives with, and I love your children so much – Adrienne, Ashley, Stephanie and Alex – you are all so dear to me. It would have been wonderful to see you all marry and start your families and to see Alex play Major League Ball someday. My wish is that you will all stay close as a family, especially you, Kathy, Steve and Mark – family is so important, please don’t break the bond.

            I know that you are all hurting right now. I know you all love me and will grieve and miss me for some time and that’s the way it should be, but time will heal the pain and sorrow and God will help you – lean on Him. He will be there for you if you let Him. He loves you all.

            I know your father is going through a really bad time – he has been so good to me, he has really been my rock. Please keep in touch with him and help him through his pain – all of you must help each other.

            You have been wonderful children. When I think of the pain other kids cause their parents, I thank God – how lucky we were – but if it had been otherwise, I would still love you and would never have turned my back on any of you.

            I may have a few personal things that each of you may like to have – I can think of a few. I have talked with your dad about these things – he knows my wishes and when he is ready to part with them he will see to it you can have what you would like.

            Dear Kathy, I love you so much. You have been a loving and caring daughter – but most of all you have been a great mother. I am so proud of you – you are so caring and unselfish. I know it was not always easy for you but you raise two beautiful daughters and they love you dearly. I pray for yours and Tom’s health and happiness and many more years together.

            Steve – I love you so very much. You have always been my wanderer – you still are. Thank God you have always come back home. I’m proud of your honesty and kindness, always willing to help out, always there when you were needed. A wonderful boy who grew into a fine man. I wish you and Rob a great future – good health and happiness.

            Mark – I love you so very much, I know you know that. You were always my little man and you have grown into a wonderful, kind and fine man. You are such a blessing, such a good father. Your children are very lucky. Much happiness for you and Eileen.

God bless you all, I am so very proud of all of you.

You are all very much like your father. I may have given you a sense of right and wrong and caring, but your father gave you his strength and perseverance and I am very happy about that.

This has been very hard to write – my last Good-bye. God bless you all and keep you in his loving care. Love one another, until we are together again – and I am sure we will be – I am forever.

                        Your Loving,

                                    Mother

 She never met Carson, Dylan, Brook or Bryce, but they will know her, through our stories, pictures and the multitude of joyful memories – YES, her absence has become her presence!

The longer I live, the more I understand Mama-Jo’s words. Memories are sacred! (See “A Day At Home”.) We can hold everyone we have ever met close to hearts by simply bringing to mind a memory of that person. Through our pictures and stories we can manifest them back to life – and, while they are around, we can laugh and cry with them, and we can lean on them and ask for help, inspiration and guidance.

I believe that as long as there is one person still on this planet who remembers me after I have passed, I am still alive, for their memories of me keep me so.

Peace and much Love,

Steve

Surviving Our Worst Nightmares

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Fotolia_39873238_Subscription_XLFor the last few months I’ve been living my worst nightmare.  For most of that time Jack didn’t want anyone to know.  He never wanted his life to be about having cancer and I respected his wishes. When he died though I was grateful for the support of family and friends who grieved with me and held me up when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die too.

Every day is different.  I am grateful for the life I had with Jack and I know that focusing on all the good things will always make me feel better than thinking about my loss.   The days though that I spend alone are the roughest because I do think about all I’ve lost and of all the things I have to do alone now.  And it’s hard… very hard.

When I’m around others my grief doesn’t go away but I am able to focus on something else if only for a little while.  It is those times that enable me to realize that I will survive despite the intense pain and sorrow I feel.

What I’m learning is to allow myself to feel every emotion I have and to let it all out in a manner in which I feel safe and comfortable.  Sometimes that is when I’m alone. Other times it’s when I’m with those friends and family who are also grieving.  Once I let it all out the weight is lifted off my shoulders at least for a little while.  It is then that I can see beyond the now… and there is hope in being able to do so.

Being distracted by anything enables me to begin living my life again.  And I feel better when I do.  I’ve even laughed a time or two.  Jack would never wanted me to endlessly mourn his passing and I don’t want to stay there either.  For me that means that I need to move beyond my grief… at my own pace… and to allow myself to experiencing whatever comes my way.  It means saying “Yes” to new adventures and “No” when that is right for me.

Whatever I do honors both Jack & me because it’s always been about the choices we make.  I’m choosing to find a happier place in life despite living my worst nightmare at the moment.  And I know that Jack would be proud of me for doing so.  So along with having hope there is peace in that knowledge.  That makes happiness possible again… and it also means I will survive my worst nightmare.

And you will survive yours too. When time has passed and we’ve moved beyond the here and now we’ll be able to look back and acknowledged our strength.  Then we can make yet another choice… to not just be a survivor… but to thrive.  To find the joy in life.   Because joy is there… waiting for us to be ready to live in it.

With love, Cheryl

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