A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

What It Means To Set Boundaries

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There is a difference between asking for what you want in relationship and setting boundaries. Asking is expressing your feelings and desires. Setting boundaries is protecting them.  – Regina Cates

Regina BannerIn making some of the final preparations to publish my book I went to Google and did a search of several key phrases and terms I felt confident were original to me. I wanted to be certain my writings were indeed mine. I did not want to claim something someone else wrote, even if they were similar through an honest but unintended coincidence.

On the very first search I was surprised to find several of my original writings that I’d posted on Facebook on a woman’s Blog Spot page. She took my quotes verbatim but failed to attribute them to me as author. It was an example of blatant plagiarism because she had given credit to several well-known authors for their work. Each of my writings went without proper credit which gave her readers the impression they were original to her.

I wrote bringing the matter to her attention. I requested she remove all of my original writing from her site or give me credit. She was embarrassed claiming it was simply an oversight but agreed to comply with my wishes. In this case I clearly asked for what I wanted and she honored my wishes. But had she refused I would have been forced to take further action.

Asking for what we want in relationship and setting boundaries in our lives will not always be limited to family, friends, and those close to us. Regardless of the association we have with other people, no matter how distant or familiar, we must stand up for what is morally, ethically, and spiritually correct. To do so we must not be afraid to set boundaries with people who cross those lines.

No, it is not easy and it will not necessarily make us popular with those whose negative behavior is being challenged. But shining a light on unacceptable behavior is still the right action. One of the most important things to remember about setting boundaries is that our actions teach. If we clearly state what is unacceptable in relationship we are teaching others about appropriate behavior and how we value and respect ourselves. If we do not set boundaries because we do not want to rock the boat, or we feel we are protecting others by not speaking up, or we believe that challenging someone will make our life worse, we are teaching that abuse and mistreatment are okay. They are not.

For more inspiration from Regina check out her podcast.  Click the image below.

Regina Sundays

 

New Year’s Expectations

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Fotolia_71694129_Subscription_Monthly_MWe all hear about resolutions, but let’s face it, most people’s resolve doesn’t have too much foundational support. The path to disappointment is virtually guaranteed. Focusing on expectations gives far more weight to a successful outcome. Charles Dickens was onto something when he created a whole world around some Great Expectations.

Expectations usually get a completely bum rap. Among my own inner circles, I’ve discovered that ‘expectations’ often carry connotations of entitlement and greed and, usually, immediate gratification.

In the broader world, expectations are heavily weighted towards our historical, long-term experience. Most of us carry everyone ELSE’s expectations around with us. Family, friends, peer groups, work colleagues, social groups all exert expectations upon us. From some, like family, these are often vocalized, activated expectations. From most others, these are quieter, sub-conscious or subliminal expectations. I call these passive expectations. Both passive and activated expectations revolve mostly around success, abstinence, relationship dictates, career and job promotion, stability, and all the greater ‘shoulds’ of the world that most people buy into blindly year after year.

Breaking that spell is the principle engagement I undertake with all of my clients. We engage with this through a question-based process that allows all of these tacit agreements to scurry out of hiding into the harsh, glaring light of reality. Often, not only is it not pretty, it’s shocking, alarming and often ends in tears and choked sobs. Some common things I hear daily: ‘I had no idea they impacted me so much!’ or ‘It’s like I’ve not been in control of my own life’ or even ‘I can’t believe I accepted this for so long. I’ve wasted so much time!’

The weight and burden of other people’s expectations has a lingering and profoundly fundamental impact on the regular decisions we make day by day, moment by moment and, yes, year by year.

Let’s start here: What expectations have you been operating under that are not your own? What expectations did your family put upon you for your adult life? What passive expectations do your peer groups quietly encourage for you? What about your daily life doesn’t feel fulfilling, and what expectations might be leading you to continue making those daily choices?

Now that we have considered where our current expectations come from, how do we break the cycle and the evil spell of living under someone else’s expectations? Of course, we must dissolve other people’s expectations by supplanting them at the root with our own glorious, instinctive expectations for ourselves.

And therein lies the magic of wielding expectations. You immediately gain massive personal power by examining and creating keen awareness for your own expectations for yourself. Now, if we’re going to supplant decades-old expectations and agreements, that means we have to ask pretty grand questions to get back to the roots of our beliefs and behavior.

Some key questions to ask yourself as you enter a new year are made better by distinctions:

Not ‘What do I want to accomplish this year?’ but instead ‘What have I always wanted to accomplish?’

Not ‘What does this mean for me?’ but instead ‘What meaning have I always searched for or been giving to this?’ and then ‘How can I choose a meaning that serves me better?’

Not ‘How can I be of better service to others this year?’ but instead ‘What is the purpose of my life, and how have I not been carrying that into everything I do? How can I start activating this moment by moment in my daily routine?’

These powerful distinctions require thought, consideration, and time to get back in touch with the inner child who had vivid dreams and huge expectations for what this life has to offer us.

Most of us enter adulthood with the activated and passive expectations of behaving ‘responsibly,’ and fulfilling basic roles. Most of these are to buoy the fabric of society, and there is certainly a respect that must be paid here.

The price of this agreement, however, is like locking away and throwing away the key on our deepest dreams, drives and creative expression. Depression, after all, is nothing more than the absence of expression.

What is the final piece to make sure that your greatest expectations are met? Complete lack of attachment. We can never know HOW anything will materialize in our lives. The universe/God has a plan that will always be a mystery to our basic five senses. The beauty of engaging with your deepest expectations is that you activate your sixth sense and allow yourself to appreciate how your expectations might be met in daily miraculous ways. Isn’t that reason enough to give thanks for the magic of life?

My wish for you as we go through this holiday season into a new year is this: Don’t live the same year over again this year. Make sure that this year is a completely fresh, dynamic, divinely inspired year that you create for yourself with some damn fine expectations of the best life has to offer. Make it your best year yet!

Using Personal Branding To Be The Best YOU

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With Ease & Grace!

Fotolia_63567114_Subscription_Monthly_MSo that you can know why I write for you today, I’d like to share my story with you – my journey of self-discovery.

In 1979 I moved with my family to this country from Iran because of the revolution. We came with two suitcases, thinking we’d stay for two weeks. We stayed a lifetime. I went to law school because I wanted to help humanity AND because I felt that if I was a lawyer, then I would fit in and be accepted and respected more. I practiced for 15 years as a successful securities lawyer. One day I realized I was wealthy, miserable and no longer helping humanity. My days of making a difference as a lawyer were over. I quit my job as a lawyer within a month.

As a spiritually-minded business person, I began to listen to the Universe and my intuition, and through a series of miracles, I ended up finding my natural talents and gifts.

During the first two years of my “retirement” as a lawyer, I saw an ad in a community college catalog that read, “What do Oprah, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet Have in Common?” The answer was said to be that they were all practicing their natural talents. So I went to the workshop and discovered that my natural talent is in personal brand management for others. At first, I was in denial. I had a natural talent? My life was not all about being a lawyer? I could define myself differently? I could see myself differently and more broadly?

From this workshop, my horizons opened and I devised a number of programs highlighting others’ talents and abilities, wrapping it in a “personal brand” package. Initially I had no idea how these gifts would work in coming together. For the past seven years I have been running a personal brand management company. We work with individuals and companies to unearth their uniqueness, communicate this to their target audience, and then manage all perceptions.

My mission is, while appreciating the oneness of humanity, to highlight for others their specific talents and abilities in order to bring greater joy and success to all areas of their lives. This is how I do my part to cultivate a world of love and kindness where I promise through my example that no one is forgotten and everyone is appreciated.

People often ask me what is personal branding.  It seems the term “personal branding” is as foreign and confusing to people as is the substance behind the term.

Simply put, personal branding is what people say about you behind your back.  What do people remember about you when you are not there?

At some point in our lives we’ve all tried to describe someone, who is not with us at the time, by saying things like, “She/He is the one with that great … posture, curly hair, smile, deep voice, height, green suit, etc.  Or else, “She/He is the one … who was grumpy, wouldn’t look me in the eye, had that really short skirt on, had that weird laugh, couldn’t describe her business.” You get the picture.

50% of what you do is substantive (i.e. you are an architect so you draft, or you are a dentist so you fill a tooth).  The other 50% is what we perceive about you – this is your personal brand. It’s all about the subconscious processing of information we do each and every day. Our perceptions don’t always have to make sense. They are emotional and based on feelings, not on facts and content.

Why is this true?  Your personal brand, as perceived by people, is infectious.  People want to be around those who make them feel good. You attract what you put out into the world. Joy and happiness sells anything well! It’s that easy!

Self-confidence is at the heart and soul of 99% of our issues in what we project to the outside world. Over the years my research has shown that there is a direct inverse correlation between our stress and our self-confidence. The higher your stress, the lower your self-confidence and the less your personal brand resonates with others.

Everyone has some sort of self-confidence issue. We are human, after all. The issues just manifest differently for us individually. At the heart of our personal branding work is building self-confidence in everyone so they shine internally and externally and leave a great first impression and, thus, a great personal brand.

Part of resonating your genuine personal brand is accepting your quirks and eccentricities. We all have quirks and we all want to hide them.

Perhaps the biggest “why” question here is why can’t we “own” our quirks? I think the short answer is partly lack of self-awareness and partly fear.

No one wants to be different and stick out.  We all strive to fit in. If I think back to a time when I really tried to fit it, I am taken back to high school.  I hated high school. I was always so different and didn’t really fit in.  It was hard being me.

I stuck out for so many reasons: I had olive complexion when it seemed everyone else had blonde hair and light eyes;  my first and last name was hard to pronounce (it wasn’t like my name rolled off the American tongue like “Jane Smith”); while my parents were very flexible with me and tried to “go with” the culture and mentality of midwestern/Indiana thinking, we still had different customs and rituals; and we lived in the most affluent suburb of Indianapolis, making it harder to be “cool” and fit in.   Most importantly, I always felt quirky because I could never ever understand why all those other high school kids rebelled all the time – drinking, smoking, sex, parties.  Were they suffocating at home, somehow?

Regardless of what I thought and how hard I tried, I was hiding who I really was.  I wasn’t even self-aware enough to know why I was hiding.  Looking back at my list above, I now relish my olive complexion, my first and last name and my background and nationality. I use it as part of my unique selling proposition and story to stand out and be genuine and different.  It works!

What if you decided for just one day to really “own” your quirks, be proud of the eccentricities and not deny any of it?  Would the world stop?  Who cares if someone doesn’t “like” or “accept” you?  Do they matter more in this world than you (and your happiness)?  I doubt it.

I get the fear factor. I lived it and live it every day.  However, our personal brand growth is grounded in being self-aware enough to feel the fear and doing “it” anyway – whatever your “it” is.  I promise you it is much easier than you think it to be. In fact, it is simple.

In this economy, we don’t always have control (or feel we have control) of our destiny. Well, I’m telling you that YOU are the only one in charge of your personal brand and YOU have complete control over your life and happiness. It can be filled with ease and grace and joy. The process doesn’t have to be hard. It is rather simple – if you believe.

So just for one day, I ask you to be self-aware, own your quirks and see what happens. If you love to eat licorice, go for it! If you like to decipher license plates, go for it! If you love the Smurfs, go for it!  Just remember to tell us all about it so we can be your biggest champ, respect you and get to know your real personal brand.

Give Yourself The Gift of Compassionate Self-Care

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Shann High Res HeadshotI haven’t always been the best at putting myself at the front of the line. For years it seemed perfectly natural to take care of others, take on loads of responsibility and work so hard that all I could do was collapse at the end of the day. My well was dry.  I remember the day that everything changed. I was a new mother trying to juggle my family and career. I was exhausted, maxed out and anxious about everything on my plate. About the time I reached my tipping point, the members of my sales force gave me a gift certificate for a 90 minute hot stone massage. It was the first massage I’d had in years. That one precious gift helped me realize how important it was to make body work a part of my self-care routine. Body work led to photography, Yoga, Martial Arts and so much more. I started practicing what I now preach, and over the last ten years I’ve become a compassionate self-care crusader!

As the loving self care guide at the Soulful Life Sanctuary, I invite our members to care for themselves by choosing at least one act of self-care each day. This might be something as simple is drinking an extra glass of water. Other times, it may be learning how to set healthy boundaries by choosing to say no thank you without feeling guilty. Sometimes its learning to give themselves permission to stop and rest.

All too often we put everyone and everything at the front of the line. We will start a new business when the mortgage is paid off. We will register for a photography class or Yoga retreat once the kids finish school. We will work on getting healthy and fit when we have more time to care for ourselves. These are societal excuses that must be faced with loving kindness.                                  “The trouble is, You think you have time.” -Buddha

Recently I asked Soulful Life Sanctuary members who are part of the Loving Self-care Sacred Space to share excuses that get in the way of their self-care. The top three obstacles were: no time because of work, family responsibilities and feelings of guilt or unworthiness.   No matter what your excuse is, if you really want to make your self-care a priority, you have to start somewhere. Let’s begin by addressing each one of these common excuses.

Excuse #1 No Time Because of Work Schedule
Most of us live in the real world and don’t have access to an unlimited trust fund or bank account. We work in order to keep a roof over our head, clothes on our back and food on the table. However, working is not a valid excuse for blowing off self-care. What you can do is carve out time for self-care before, during or after work.

Back in the day when my calendar was overflowing with appointments and work-related responsibilities, the only time I had to myself was evenings and weekends. Or was it?   I discovered an untapped oasis on my lunch hour! I made it a priority to get out of the office at lunch to visit a local park and watch the Lake Michigan waves roll in. Some days I’d walk a couple of laps around the local civic center trail. Sometimes I’d go to the museum or public library. This oasis of time allowed me to step away from fluorescent lights and the needs of others to get some fresh air, spaciousness and perspective. Can you see how carving out some time at lunch helped me balance my energy and recharge my batteries before getting back to work?

Excuse #2 Family Responsibilities
I have a small family that I enjoy nurturing. My husband and daughter are my entire world. I am responsible for taking care of them through the many roles that I choose to play in this lifetime. I’ve learned that the best thing I can do for my loved ones is take excellent care of myself!

We forget that we can give the most when we are living lives we love. We can be the best partners, mothers, wives, fathers, business owners, when we are feeling nurtured, fulfilled, inspired and self expressed.

Excuse #3 Feelings of Guilt and Unworthiness
If you feel guilty or unworthy when you think about doing something sweet for yourself, chances are this old programming. We often learn to feel unworthy through some sort of psychological osmosis received from our parents or caregivers. If you were raised by someone who thought it SELFISH to care for herself, the thoughts that come up for you now may not even be your own!

You can break the chain of old programming by becoming aware of negative self-talk and in that moment of awareness, make the choice to overrule your mind. It takes practice, but eventually you will prevail! You are worthy. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Even if you haven’t always been the best at putting yourself at the front of the line, there is hope for you yet. I Invite you to choose and commit to one act of self-care today and notice how you feel. You deserve to receive the gift of compassionate self-care.

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