A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Say Something

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people, relationship and love concept - close up of womans cupped hands showing red heartFor the longest time when Jack was sick I didn’t want to tell anyone… mostly because he never wanted anyone to see him as anything but who he was.  He didn’t want to be defined or treated differently because he had cancer.  I respected his wishes… it was his life.  In his last few weeks he agreed to see people… because he knew they needed to see him and say their “good byes.”  There was never anything easy about this time for those who came to visit but it meant so much to him that they did come.  He couldn’t speak much in the end but as his wife I could tell that these visits helped him realize that he made a difference in this lifetime… and he did.

This week I received and e-mail telling me that an old friend just found out he has terminal cancer. Though I hadn’t spoken with him in 16 years I dialed his number and was overwhelmed to hear his voice again.  Coming through all I’ve been through these last few years I wanted to tell him that I was sorry for what he and his family were and would be going through.  He didn’t know about Jack and maybe knowing that helped him to understand why I reached out to him.  In the years we knew each other he was a trusted friend and a larger than life inspiration who I respected and admired. I never told him that… but I needed to (for me) and I wanted him to know.

It’s hard to know what to say at times like these.  If you speak from your heart you will always say the right thing.  Jack didn’t need anyone to feel sorry for him and I’ve never wanted anyone to pity me for losing him.  But knowing someone cares always, always helps.

There are three people in my life who by knowing them have made me a better person… and inspired me to be more than I am at this moment.  One has died, one is dying and one has no idea.

Say something.  Tell the people who have meant or mean something to you that you care… before you can’t.

With love,
Cheryl

Riding the Waves of Pain

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You’re going along on an even keel and something comes over you like a stabbing knife to the heart.  You lose you breath, fall to the ground (or the closest chair), and the tears just flow.  There is no way to stop the pain. Do you know the feeling?

From the time Jack was diagnosed until now my days and nights have been filled with those waves.  The fear of losing him has been overwhelming these last few years.  Then the last few weeks of his life was the calm before the storm because my only focus was on helping him.  There was little time to think about my pain… I just wanted to prevent his pain.  Then when he died the waves turned into a tsunami and there was nothing I could do.  I was consumed with my grief… and of course who wouldn’t be.

I’d like to say the worst is over and to a certain degree that is true.  I can go through my day to day life and from outward appearances I’m doing pretty good.  Even I think I’m doing better than I thought I would be.  The truth is life goes on and we have to.

Yet in the moments of silence, walking into an empty house, driving or sitting alone in the bedroom we shared, a sneaker wave will crash down on my head and I curl up in a ball and just cry.  (OK I don’t do that when I’m driving…)

There is no fighting these strong emotions when they hit us.  Resisting them in an effort to “buck up” and be strong does nothing but cause them to build up and back up.  And that just makes the next time that much worse.  Let them flow.  Let the waves crash over you and if you don’t resist them they will move off and dissipate.  I’ve tried resisting and I’ve not resisted.  This is the time when doing nothing is better than doing anything.   Let it happen.

By allowing your true emotions to flow you are honoring yourself.  This IS how you feel.  Give yourself the chance to heal by letting go of the need to contain your emotions.  Nothing is gained by a festering wound.  And above all respect yourself by acknowledging what you’re going through is a human experience and you are after all… human.

When you let it all happen and come out the other side of the wave of pain, stop, and acknowledge you did come through it.  Take inventory of yourself and realize you’re OK.   It from this new place that you’ll come to appreciate your own resilience.  Life gave you the worst it has to offer and you’re still standing. Celebrate that!  We have to take our success where we can get them right and when you’re on the other side of your worst nightmare give thanks for the dawn.

With love, Cheryl

When What You’ve Lost Is More Than You Can Bear

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Couple Holding HandsI’ve been doing my best to get out and walk every evening.  Jack & I use to do that all that time.  We’d walk around our neighborhood, holding hands, and we were the cute couple.  It breaks my heart to not have my hand in his.  But I keep moving… because I know it’s what I need to do for me.

When you find yourself without what use to be your life it really is more than anyone should have to bear.  I don’t care if it’s a spouse, a child or a career.  When something means so much to you that it hurts to be without it it’s hard to even think about going on… but we do.

Last week I saw a friend for the first time since Jack died.  He looked at me and commented about all of the stress being gone from my face.  And it is in that I am not longer on an endless heighten alert for fear Jack would fall or not be able to keep his food down.  Gone is the stress about what would happen to me without him.  It’s painful to be without him but I’m still able to function and care for myself.  Because that’s what I do.

Grief and the pain of major life challenges are somethings we all will go through whether we want to or not.  And some events are more horrific than others but… as they say… this is life.

You may not have experienced any of this yet.. but when you do I hope you’ll remember this.  You will get through it… and yes it will tear at your soul and break your heart… but you will heal.  It takes time.  And you’re still living so you have that on your side.  Allow it all to be as it is then allow yourself to find peace. Because you will.

With love, Cheryl

The Slolution

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Young woman in dress looking out the windowI have no idea what ever possessed me to type “Slolution.”  It’s obviously not a real word but something called me to write it.  Even though I don’t know why I wrote it I do know exactly what it means.

The simple definition for “Slolution” is….  Slow Solutions.  The act of figuring out what is next in your life without the stress of having to know the answer right now.   In the past I would have moved very quickly to figure out a solution.  It may have not been the best in the end but I took action!  Unfortunately those moving too fast decisions weren’t always the best… or the lasting ones.

Lately my need for instant results or gratification is gone.  When we go through the worst life has to offer we really don’t care much about the stuff we use to obsess over.  For me if there needed to be an answer I was going to find it and find it fast.  Now it’s more along the lines of … “If it happens, it happens.”  It’s not that I don’t care I just have a very different perspective since Jack died.

The “slolution” for me means that I don’t have to be in charge and I don’t have to think it’s my responsibility to control an outcome.    I don’t have all the answers for life’s questions.  They’ll come in time… slowly… and they will solve my problems if I let them.

If we just give up the need to control the outcome and allow the solution to come to us in its own good time we’ll know when it’s right.  But in the meantime we can forget the churn of trying to know it all and know it all now.

That for me is worth more than having the answer now. I’ve had enough stress in my life… Haven’t you?  Are you willing to take it slow (er?)  Join me!

With love, Cheryl

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