A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

When Pain Runs Your Life

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How much more can you take?  Do you feel like the pain will never go away?  Are you devastated beyond your worst nightmare but know that life goes on even if you hate it right now?  That pretty much describes any life where radical, unwanted and unimaginable, changes dominate the here and now.  What can  you do about it?

If you’ve followed me for any time you know that I am a firm believer that whatever we are going (as horrific as it may be) is something we are meant to experience.  That is not to suggest however that we wanted it or have to appreciate it at this very moment.   In fact I’d go so far as to tell you that I hated my worst challenges. However no matter how much you may struggle and rail against your current condition there will be some point, maybe years down the line, that  you understand the value the experience brought to your life.

“Great”  you may say, “but that doesn’t help me now.”  But what if it did?  What if instead of letting the pain run (and ruin) your life you just let it be?  What if you allowed yourself to experience the pain, nightmare, the challenge, without the judgment or the struggle? If in the midst of your overwhelming grief you said to yourself, “I am going through this for a reason and I’m not going to fight it anymore?”  By allowing yourself to feel the full weight of whatever is overwhelming your life you preserve what little energy you have for something better.  (Like to start living the life you want.)

How much relief would you have by letting it happen and the realizing when you come up for air that you are still standing?  Some fights  you can’t win.  Your spouse walks out or dies, your home goes into foreclosure, your job ends.  You may have fought a good battle all along but you also know when no matter what you do it’s not going to change the ultimate loss.  Feel it, hate it if you must, but stop fighting it and start healing.

It takes time.   I used to say that I lost everything in my life except my husband and then he died.  There comes a point where you have to decide if you’re going to let the pain run your life or you’re going to just stop running.  It’s when you decide to stop the struggle that you begin to heal.

When you’re ready… do this for you.

With love, Cheryl

There Is A Time For Everything

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Have you lost someone or something in your life?  Is your grief overwhelming and you feel like you’ll never get past it?  Are you willing to entertain the belief, just for a moment, that you will get past it? If you are then in that moment I’m going to ask you to just do one thing.  Recognize where you are is a just part of your journey.  You know in your heart that life goes on and so will you.

If you entertain the thought that your life will go on then you can also realize that right now might be the time you need to wallow in your sorrow. Your sorrow is as much a part of your life’s journey as being happy, excited, inspired or any more positive experience. Let it be what it is… part.

Not the whole, part.
Not the end, a view point.
When you tire of the view you can and will move on.

How do you move on?  Let your next step be about what you don’t do instead of what you do.  It’s somewhat easier that way. As someone who is learning to live again after Jack’s death here are something things I know if you’ll stop doing you’ll actually allow yourself to move beyond where you are now.

  • Stop focusing on your life without.  For example there is longevity in my family and when I really am in pain I think about living the next 30 years without Jack.  That’s a gut wrenching thought. If instead I shift my thoughts to having 36 great years with him the pain is less intense.
  • Stop listening to music that brings you down.  “See You Again” by Charlie Puth is a wonderful song that brings me to tears every time.  There is an attraction to feeling the pain of this loss but changing the station helps me more.
  • Stop spending time with your “misery loves company” friends or friends who want to talk about how great their life is.  Instead spend time with friends who make you laugh.

It’s easy to feel the pain.  It’s hard to make it stop.  It’s simple to choose something that feels just a little bit better and right now that is as good as it needs to be.

With love, Cheryl

 

Getting Through Overwhelming Grief

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If you’ve ever suffered the loss of a loved then you understand that there are times when getting out of bed or up off of the floor seem impossible.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a day after their passing or months later grief takes over and there seems to be absolutely nothing you can do about it.  What you’re experiencing is not only natural, but in my opinion, a necessary part of healing. That doesn’t mean however it’s easy.

Easy isn’t word in my vocabulary when it comes to my grief.  Grief comes in waves. Sometimes it’s a gentle ache and other times it knocks me to the ground, literally, and I find myself sobbing in a corner of the room.

I use to tell myself that I needed to be strong.  I am alone now and Jack isn’t physically here to help me through this.  Not long after his death, in the middle of a crying jag, I realized that feeling this pain was an important part of the healing process.  After all how could I pretend to be strong when I was standing alone for the first time in decades?

We have the right to feel every moment and the very depth of our grief.  Losing the love of your life, a child, a parent or a best friend, irrevocably changes your life.  They are no longer a part of what you’ll experience from this point forward and that hole in your heart if huge.  The key however is in recognizing all of that.

Rather than trying to buck up and be strong I tell myself, as my tears flow, that I need to have this experience.  I need to feel the grief to its fullest.  Yes, it drains me and yes, I come through it feeling down and blue… but I come through it and so will you. It’s when we fight it or berate ourselves for being overwhelmed by it that our energy gets tied up in feeling bad about ourselves instead of feeling bad because our loved one died.   Can you see the difference?

Grieving has everything to do with the loss.  That is natural and honest and necessary.  Berating ourselves is a choice and one that is unnecessary and hurts us even more.

So when you are on the floor next time say to yourself, “I need to feel every part of my grief.”  Let the tears flow and the pain overwhelm you.  As it starts to abate, even just a little, remind yourself that this is all part of your healing and a natural part of life.  You will get through it… as you need to for you.

With love, Cheryl

Persistent Thoughts

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Have you ever had a thought, a conversation or an experience that you can’t get out of your mind?  Usually they are negative thoughts that persist despite all the other good in life that really should be taking precedence for us.  Why is it that that one negative overshadows all that is good?

The short answer is… because we let it.

Why do we let it?  Because there is some part of us that believes it  – might – be true.  It doesn’t matter if it is true or not we second guess what we think, feel or believe and usually because someone else said it out loud.  Now it’s stuck playing in our heads.  How do we stop the negative thoughts that someone else imprints on us?

First, don’t resist it.  I don’t know about you but if I tell myself not to think about it that is exactly what I do think about.  Instead take a few minutes and do nothing but think about it.   Give yourself the time to acknowledge its existence.  For some people that may be enough to release the grip the thought has.

Next, if the thought persists then take the time to analyze what it is about it that bothers you the most.  Is it because of who said it, how it was said or what was said?  Is it the last straw on top of a string of negative thoughts you’ve been having lately?  In your heart do you believe it or because you’re in a place of transition in your life you’re not yet strong enough in your beliefs to dismiss it easily?  Don’t try and resolve the thought at this point.  This is merely the time to understand if fully.

Now, distract yourself.  Do something you can lose yourself in.  Play with your children, watch a fast-paced movie, or perhaps work on a project that requires you to concentrate.  Choose something that doesn’t give you time to think about anything else.  The point of this step is to force yourself out of your own head and to broaden your perspective.  This step enables you to see that you can move on from it.

Anything you resist, persists.  And… Anything you try and bury will surface when you need it least. If instead you acknowledge it and make the effort to understand it you can move on from it.  Sure you may have to make a conscious effort to think differently but when you choose to think, feel and act differently you develop a strength that serves you well.  The negative thought, did not.

With love, Cheryl

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