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Simple Steps is a safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.
- Cheryl Maloney

A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

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The Positive Power of the PAUSE

June 16, 2014 by Place Holder

BL3Are you aware of your self-talk? It’s that little voice inside that is babbling to you and guiding your choices and actions. Are you telling yourself your life is fun, adventurous, and joyful? Or do you hear yourself say life is hard, a struggle, and a pain in the you know where? The tricky part is that sometimes this voice is deeply buried, and we are not even conscious of it. Dr. Rick Hansen, psychologist and meditation teacher, wrote a book titled “Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom.”He explains what’s possible when we PAUSE and become conscious of our self-talk.

“What modern science is enabling us to do is fantastic and unprecedented because this has never happened before in human history. By neuroscientists peering into the brain, we are starting to increasingly understand the circuits of happiness, love, and wisdom so that we can light up those circuits ourselves. And the way the brain works is, when you light up circuits, you actually strengthen them. There is a saying in neuroscience that ‘neurons that fire together, wire together.’So by stimulating the neuro-basis of happiness, love, and wisdom, you strengthen it so you become centered there and feel increasingly happy, resilient, confident, and caring for others.”

He goes on to say that PAUSING for 30 seconds and actively focusing on positive things will help to rewire the circuit of happiness, love, and wisdom. I loved it that he said 30 seconds. Simple steps can make a big difference. Imagine, only a half minute of intentional focus each day can increase pleasure and happiness.

That focus combined with surrounding yourself with more positive media is helping. Magazines like this one are converting a media focused on sensationalism to a media focused on a sensational and wonderful life of peace and happiness. As we get positive input in places where negative images, news stories, and information have lived, we will be able to create greater health, attract healthier relationships, and nourish our planet.

PAUSE is necessary for us to master and recognize our self-talk. When we stop to notice the voices and become aware of our thoughts, we begin to hear deeper voices. My friend Gerald shared a childhood story with me that illustrates this point with nature. He would go down by the river and sit quietly, communing with the insects and the bugs. He said the longer he quietly sat there, the more different kinds of insects would appear until he was surrounded by spiders, frogs, ants, etc. People who commit to silent meditation retreats will have the experience of more and more inner wisdom being revealed as the days of quiet go by. As you practice the 30-second PAUSE, you will get proficient at accessing the deeper voices and the resulting pleasure.

Another place to reinforce those happiness neurons is by changing what you write in your journal. Consider what your journals contain now. Are they filled with dramas and traumas and all the struggles that you wrote down to process the struggle? To stay on the path of positivity, keep gratitude journals. Keep journals about all your victories. Writing about what’s working well, talking about what’s working well, and thinking about what’s working well creates the intention for things to work well, and then it is easier to manifest things working well.

I’m going to be totally honest with you here. I have had a few days in the last couple years when finding something in my life that felt like it was working well was very difficult. So I’m not here to say that your goal should be a life of perfect pleasure 24/7. Choosing the way of pleasure is the consciousness I live in, and I have even been able to find moments of pleasure when I experience the severe physical pain of Rheumatoid Arthritis. Pain, which contrasts with pleasure, allows you to appreciate painless pleasure. Experiencing the highs and lows creates extraordinary times as long as you return to noticing what works well.

“Eighty percent of what you tell yourself, you believe.”This quote is from my radio guest, Marci Lock. She is President of MarciLock.com and Everlasting Fitness. Marci’s story of losing 70 lbs in three months, with results lasting over six years, has motivated her to become a transformational coach who speaks and teaches her clients how to change their self-talk to boost positive beliefs. When you notice what is working in your life, your belief system changes right along with it.

In order to practice these ideas, I invite you to do the following for at least 2 weeks.

WRITE down 12 things that went well at the end of the day before you get in bed.

Here is a sample list of mine:

  • I’m able to take such a nice deep breath.
  • I love the way my bangs fall right on my forehead.
  • I am feeling good about my exercise.
  • The new lotion is working on my red spots.
  • Made a basket throwing Kleenex in the trash.
  • My chili relleno casserole was a hit.
  • I completed chapter 5 today.
  • My half-hour nap came at just the right time.
  • I washed my sheets today, and they feel wonderful.
  • I felt sexy and hot in my halter dress.
  • My car started and has been so reliable getting me where I need to go.
  • My client base is expanding.

Keep it Simple!

Finding Simplicity In Midlife

May 15, 2014 by Place Holder

Fotolia_33712338_Subscription_XXLOur lives seem to be so complex with never enough time to get everything done that we think needs to be done. We rush through our day often moving from event to event without the time to really engage with or relish any experience. We end up tired, frustrated, and sick always searching for that magical moment in our lives. Could the magic be right in front of us every day but in our rush to accomplish what we committed to do we do not even see it.

Midlife invites us to examine our life to see if it is really working for us or if we are just going through the motions doing what someone else or some institution told us would bring joy, success, and fulfillment. This conscious midlife journey is either by personal choice to enhance an already fulfilling life or because of life circumstances that leave us with no choice but to rebuild a life that has fallen apart. The amazing thing to remember is that sometimes things fall apart so they can come together again in a much more meaningful and productive life.

No matter how we get to this space in midlife, let’s look at finding the beauty, the joy, and the magic in simplicity. Life is really pretty basic and we seem to make it extremely complicated. What if in midlife we chose to:

  • Slow down and only commit to what really brings us joy
  • Take the time to take care of us so we have the health and energy to live life
  • Show up as our authentic self as opposed to being patriarchies puppet
  • Live with purpose and passion to inspire others as opposed to impress others
  • Realize that life is about relationships not accumulation of titles and possessions

The magic is in the simple everyday moments in life that most of us miss rushing to the next big event in our life. The magic is in slowing down our life to connect with what really matters for us and our family. To simplify is to find the magic within us and the magic in the world all around us in the sunshine, a stranger’s smile, a child’s laughter, a fragrant lilac, the leaves dancing in the breeze, or the moon kissing our face. The magic is in following our passion and saying no to what does not resonate within us. We don’t have to please or impress anyone. It is our life. Keep it simple. There is profound truth, beauty, wisdom, joy, and happiness in taking the time to engage authentically with what truly matters in our hearts.

We will not find the magic in the chaos of busyness but in the simple moments of connection to our authentic self. Slow down to create a life that gives us optimum health, balanced energy, creativity, and the time to engage fully in what renews and ignites our spirit. Midlife allows us to see the world and our place in it much differently if we choose. When we slow down to reflect on what really matters to us, we can prioritize which actually creates more quality time in our life. Instead of doing everything for everyone wearing us out, we can focus on our purpose so we uplift both us and humanity with our gifts.

Parenting Magic

June 17, 2013 by Place Holder

 –  Simple Steps to Living With Challenging Children

To be a parent is to taste the agony and ecstasy of being human. It is more complicated than many of us thought it would be ~ Especially when you have a challenging child.

Parenting can reduce successful men and women into a stressful state of confusion. Adults who see themselves as spiritual seekers are shocked at the negative feelings that can suddenly wash over them. Daily struggles turn love and adoration into a cycle of worry and control. Parenting kicks up our deepest wounds while presenting opportunities to live in our highest form of unconditional love.

It seems easier to love with unconditional abandon when you live with a child who has a mellow, laid-back spirit. These are the kids who handle disappointment easily and rarely protest when you say, “No” or “Hurry Up.”

Ah, but those feisty ones, the children who seem overly sensitive and have meltdowns in the middle of the shopping malls…how do you stay in love with them while dealing with their intense reactions? It is particularly challenging to remain calm and centered while the whole world seems to be watching. You can just feel how others are judging your parenting skills and condemning your child.

When we dream about becoming parents we rarely look forward to sending children to ‘time-out’ corners or threatening them with punishments. How is it then that so many reasonably sane adults lose their balance when coping with their highly spirited kids?

They push our buttons; that’s why.

We blame them for pushing our buttons. We are convinced they need to change.

Frustration builds when we spend our energy trying to control them instead of learning how to meet their needs in an emotionally healthy way.

My own experiences as a child development specialist and as the mother of one of these freedom-seeking children have led me on a journey of transformation. Opening my mind and heart has been the key to giving up control and moving from fear into trust.

The steps I took are simple, but they required the willingness to give up old ways of thinking, especially when I was sure that my way was best.

The first step is willingness to see beyond behavior into the inner world of a child. I came to understand that temperament is something we are born with and just like the color of eyes or the shape of a nose, no parent gets to choose their child’s hard wiring. If your child is active, intense, sensitive, easily distracted, or freedom seeking, you must stop interpreting behavior as a flagrant disrespect of your authority. The more you understand each of your children’s unique temperaments, the more empowered you will feel in responding to their natural way of reacting to a demanding world.

My next step was in moving past my intellect and asking Spirit for help. While I had studied child psychology and developmentally appropriate practices at the University level, it wasn’t until I saw my daughter through the eyes of her Creator that I was able to let go of trying to shape her into the child I thought she should be and began to accept her exactly as she was.

The result of taking these two steps was the realization that nothing was wrong. I did not have to fix or change anything. Once we recognize that our children come into physical life exactly as they are meant to be, we become open to doing our work ~ accepting and adoring them as they are.

The challenge, of course, is figuring out how to guide and support a child who cannot play this game of life by the pre-established rules. It sometimes feels impossible to validate their perspective and depth of spirit when we ache for them to be appreciated and accepted by strongly opinionated family, a test oriented school system and a society that lives by hypocritical standards of appropriate behavior.

This challenge led me to the next step, which was giving up my Ego. I had to stop worrying what other people thought. I had to care more about how my child was experiencing life than looking good in the eyes of friends and relatives. I began to release my own childhood story about being a good girl and pleasing others. I trusted my gut and realized that when my parenting responses felt good, felt connected to the truth of my own soul, felt in alignment with something greater than myself, that I was on the right path. When we stop interpreting our child’s nature as a problem that needs to be corrected, we become free to enjoy our child’s unique sense of self. I discovered that once kids start to feel understood and validated, their sweet, responsible, kind, cooperative dispositions begin to shine through.

This does not mean that we let children run wild and become self-indulgent or irresponsible. We can learn how to create boundaries and set limits within an environment that honors our child’s temperament. I continued to hold high standards while being mindful not to compare my daughter’s responses with the style of her easy-going brother. Her dad and I made a conscious decision to really listen when she said something didn’t feel right, smelled funny, tasted yucky or was too loud. We accepted the probability that she would walk a unique path and we honored her courage and determination to live authentically.

You can make a decision to strengthen your relationship with your children. Create your own first step. Pick a day when you are relaxed and do not give any unsolicited advice. Spend time together with the single intention of getting to know each unique child. Purposely savor their deliciousness and ask for their opinions. Try to only notice the good stuff. In order to accomplish this you might have to spend some one-on-one time together.

If they do something inappropriate, wonder out loud what they might be experiencing that is causing the behavior. Refuse to use guilt or shame as a way of controlling them, and talk instead about their inside feelings. Take off your mask of ‘knowing it all’ and become more ‘real’ with your child. It takes time and patience to nurture authentic relationships.

There will be times when this commitment feels overwhelming and you’ll need some help. That’s the signal to get quiet, be still and connect with your soul. In that space you just may sense a thought that comes from a knowing that transcends space and time. The willingness to follow that gentle guidance is the pivotal moment when the magic will begin.

It is quite possible that one day you will realize that your most challenging child came into your life to be your greatest teacher.

“Parenting kicks up our deepest wounds while presenting opportunities to live in our highest form of unconditional love.”

 

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