A safe harbor where beliefs are respected and kindness prevails.

Sometimes It’s About Wanting The Pain To Stop

by

Do you really want to be happy? Or do you just want all the misery to stop? I use to think these questions were really about the same thing but as I’ve worked through a great deal of stress these last few years I realize they are not.

When we face the challenges of life we live in a place that is so far removed from happiness that it’s hard to see ourselves ever being happy again.  It’s like living paycheck to paycheck and believing the gurus who tell you to visualize yourself living on the yacht and never having to work again.  It is so far removed from your reality that while you may repeat the affirmation you don’t believe it.  And when you don’t believe something you’re not going to make it happen.

Sometimes the best we can hope for is that the pain stops or at least eases up.  That doesn’t mean it’s all we deserve or all we’ll ever have but at this moment it’s what we need most.   When you’re in this place of stress you don’t have to add to it by thinking that you have to be happy, successful, wealthy… or anything else that seems so far away from reality to you.

Stop fighting the pain and quit railing against the unfairness of it all.  Instead decide that you’re OK with where you are at this moment.  That decision alone will ease your stress just a little… but enough to realize you’re not in as much pain.  When you can feel that relief you can also see more possibilities and in time happiness will come back into view.

With love,
Cheryl

What Do You Want Your Life To Be About

by

Jack's Self Portrait
Jack’s Self Portrait

As the days keep coming and Jack’s death moves further into the past I find that I’m tired of talking about it… even though I still do.  The more I listen to myself, especially with those who don’t know that my husband has recently passed, the more I sound like a sad story-teller.  I don’t want to be that person.

Jack’s own philosophy over these last few years is resonating with me more now than before.  He never wanted to talk about his cancer because that’s not what he wanted his life to be about.  He wanted people to see him as a passionate photographer who was talented, inspirational and encouraging to anyone who wanted to develop their skills.  Up until almost the day he died many of his friends knew he had cancer but didn’t know he was dying.  That was an amazing feat considering how much he had endured.

Now, on the other side of his death, I find myself not wanting to be the widow.  Yes I am… but that’s not what I want my life to be about.  It’s not that I don’t mourn his passing.  Those close to us understand why every day I have to make a conscious choice not to crawl up in a ball and shut out the world.  If I give up now then my life would be that of the sad woman whose husband died too young.  That would be a waste of this life I’ve been given and honestly, to me, disrespectful of all he endured.

Yes it’s hard… more so than not.  However I believe there is a reason and a purpose for my experiences.  There is more for me left to do in this lifetime. I have a choice.  I can live the story that breaks my heart or I can live a life lifts me up above my pain.  It may not always be an easy choice but it is that simple.

What do you want your life to be about?  What choice will you make the be the person you want to be?  Let’s walk together…

With love, Cheryl

(The photo in this article is one that Jack took of himself… that I never knew he’d taken until after he died.  The left side of his face is obscured intentionally because that is was the part of his face and neck that were so severely impacted by the cancer and the treatments.  He didn’t want people to remember him for his suffering.)

Filling The Void

by

Fotolia_81889275_Subscription_Monthly_MThe hardest thing for me since Jack died is coming home to an empty house.  It’s not that I dread it. This is the last place we shared.  It’s the emptiness I feel driving home.   And while my cats may greet me when I arrive I know it’s only because they want their treats.  Needless to say it doesn’t compare to coming home to Jack.

I’ve had people already tell me not to worry that I’ll find someone else.  The first few times I heard that it really ticked me off.  Don’t they understand that I have no desire to replace the love of your life?!?  Then I realized their advice was a reflection of their own fears.  I now say a silent prayer for them and change the subject.

Still there is a void in my life that is as vast as my love for Jack.  One of my favorite songs these days is “One Hell of an Amen” by Brantley Gilbert. While it always brings tears to my eyes it reminds me of Jack’s strength to the very end.  It came on the radio when I was driving home on Friday and at that moment it hit me that I wasn’t “fighting the good fight” and I have probably many years to live.  For me, for my life “fighting the good fight” is a metaphor.  It’s not about struggling… it’s about living life to the fullest.  I can focus on the void or I can fill it with love.  Love for myself, love for others, love for whatever brings me joy and happiness.

Climbing out of the chasm created by Jack’s death is far from easy.  Sometimes I’m going to slip and other times I may fall but I’m going to keep taking it one (simple) step at a time, fighting the good fight to keep my own sanity. And that will be my “One Hell of an Amen.”

“An’ that’s One Hell of an Amen
That’s the only way to go
Fightin’ the good fight
Til the Good Lord calls you home
So be well my friend
Til’ I see you again
Yeah this is our last goodbye
But it’s a Hell of an Amen”
– Brantley Keith Gilbert

It’s The Choice That Heals or Hurts

by

Everyday is a new experience as I learn to live solo.  Some of those experiences are terrifying (ok a little bit of an exaggeration.)  Others may be things I’ve experienced before and am seeing them differently without another voice to share them with.  None of that sounds particularly good to me which is where the choice comes in.

May 5th would have been our 36th wedding anniversary.  Yes it was very hard. Mourning the loss of the love of my life, the sharing, the laughter, our future together, is natural. I’m OK with that. I however intend to celebrate the life we did have.  Taking this approach contributes to my healing.

Last week though marked the 3rd month of Jack’s passing.   I noted the day but made the choice not to give the day more attention than the fact it was a Friday.  The last thing that I want my life to be about is Jack’s death. To do so would just magnify my loss… and that would hurt, more.  For me it’s not a day to celebrate although yes it was a day that marked the end to his suffering.  Now however is no longer about him… it’s about how I will choose to live my life.

Jack will always be a part of me.  When you love someone as deeply as I love him our souls are inseparable.   My life now, without his physical presence, is about what I need.  I can no longer help him… or build the rest of my life around him.

I will honor my husband by the way I live my life.  I will honor myself by choosing to live fully and committing myself to living with as much joy and happiness as I can find.  It’s not always going to be easy and sometimes I’m going to be miserable.   Grieving is a process… and we all go through it.

If you’ve lost any one or any thing in your life that matters you’re grieving too.  Remember that it is your choice to heal or hurt.  Sometimes you won’t make a healing choice.  That truly is OK because tomorrow you can make a difference choice.  Be gentle with yourself, always.

With love, Cheryl

Feedback