I have always tried to be strong… but I’m not. Somethings in life are just inconceivable even when you realize they are staring you down. When we experience the things that cut us off at the knees its hard to think straight let alone be strong. At one point as Jack’s life was winding down I lay crying in bed and for the first time he said to me in his weakened voice, “No more tears!” But I couldn’t stop crying…
When I thought I couldn’t cry any more… I’d cry again. In my heart though I knew Jack didn’t want me to mourn his death. He wanted me to move on with my life. He wanted me to cherish our good times and put the bad times and his dying behind me. As I sit here and write this I remember his courage in the face of death yet I’m still crying.
I miss him. I miss sitting in the living room, side by side, comfortable in our silence. I miss him starting his day off reading photography blogs because I knew whatever nugget he gleaned from them would be implemented in a photo. I miss him chopping up vegetables and us cooking together.
I don’t miss his suffering and I’d would never have wanted him to stay with me and suffer. And the end of his life was all suffering. I don’t want to remember the suffering. When I have a bad memory of the last few weeks of his life I stop myself and shift my thoughts to a better time. Reliving that pain serves no purpose for me… and now it is all about my life and moving on.
I know for me moving on doesn’t mean that I leave Jack or his memory behind. He remains embedded in my soul. I have to take what he has given me and use that strength to create what my life is to become. Some call it finding “new normal” but there is nothing “normal” about all this, yet.
My life isn’t over because my husband died. Instead a new life is beginning. My family has longevity which means I could live another 30+ years… almost as long as Jack & I were married. That’s a long time and I know I don’t want to stay in my sadness for the rest of my days.
We each get to decide what we want for whatever time we have left on this earth. We each get to take a step forward… or to pause and gain our strength. It is our choice to make. Whatever you choose to do… do it for you, for your happiness, for your own soul. Because at the moment that’s all you need to do.
With love, Cheryl