I can’t forgive myself because he won’t forgive me.

Ask-Regina-250

Dear Regina,

I blew it! I destroyed what I thought was my soul mate relationship by allowing fear and jealously into the mix.  I compared myself to his exes and tore them down in an attempt to let him know that I would never treat him the same way.  He got mad. After so many of my apologies he is no longer speaking to me.  I am trying to move on but I just can’t.  I think about him all the time and just can’t get out of my head what I did.  I can’t forgive myself because he won’t forgive me. I am destroyed and just can’t believe I missed my soul mate opportunity.  I don’t know what to do.  – Jennifer Z.

Dear Jennifer,

 You did not miss any opportunity because this experience was not meant to be the relationship for the rest of your life. He came into your life so you could look at what you need to work on and heal so you can have the relationship you desire someday.  But first, you must have a healthy, respectful and supportive relationship with yourself to be ready to have it with others.

Co-dependency is what drives our desire to compare and compete with others.  It is our lack of self-respect and feelings of unworthiness that cause us to depend on others to validate us or make us feel okay about ourselves.  The problem with looking outward for other’s to determine our worth is that it is not possible for them to do so. No matter what others say, no matter how supportive they are, we will not believe them completely. We must feel whole and assured on our own or our unhealed issues of not feeling worthy will always surface. And, when they do we will project them onto others.

Learn from this opportunity by making a list of everything about yourself where you feel confident and strong.  Then make a list of those things about yourself where you are not self-assured.  Work on those.  If you are insecure change the behaviors and thoughts that make you feel insecure.  If you feel lost without a relationship then look for the reasons you are not comfortable being alone. If you seek validation outside yourself then turn attention on how you can be your own best friend, biggest fan, and strongest supporter.

Forgive yourself for how you behaved.  You do not need the forgiveness of another to let go of what you think should have been.  Accept that your behavior was not what you want it to be.  Accept the truth that if you had known better (been responsible for your behavior and emotions) you would have done better.  There is no good that comes from beating yourself up for what is over and in the past.  You cannot change what is already done so put that energy to better use. Learn to be a better, more emotionally responsible person so you will not repeat the same behavior with someone else.

It is my experience the best soul mate we ever have is ourselves.  When we are whole on our own and doing our best to live aligned with the higher wisdom and responsibility of soul, then we have it within to be an excellent partner to someone else. And, we have the self-confidence and respect necessary to positively deal with the challenges that come up in our relationships.

Have a question for Regina.  Send an e-mail directly to her.  Regina@RomancingYourSoul.com

Regina Cates About Regina Cates

Spiritual/personal empowerment coach and author of “Lead with Your Heart: Creating a Life of Love, Compassion and Purpose. Website: www.romancingyoursoul.com

Comments

  1. I was in a similar situation but not in any romance…. friendship. I’ve been beating myself up ever since 2010. I cannot contact this person for it will only cause more trouble- I messed up but in the past. so i guess i just have to move on….. with or without them knowing how sorry I am.

  2. I needed to see this. I met a guy who I had a connection with, who I talked on the phone with and video chatted with all day everyday for a short time. And I got upset that he didnt answer one night. And we talked about it. Then I got upset again and told him lets just stop talking. He agreed. I spent the next day saying that I was sorry and he ignored me. So that night I went completely off and talked about his relationship with his dad and his job. I took things he told me in confidence and used them against him. The next morning I finally got a response of him telling me he is cutting all ties. I told him I said those things because I felt played and hurt. He said he was straight fwd in telling me that what I was doing was stressing him out but I kept having my moments. When he said that my heart dropped. He said I was immature and even when I stressed him out he never tried to intentionally cut me down or hurt me. I then explained why I said those things to him and he did not respond. I sent him a text later that week saying I miss talking to him and hope he is having a good week. No response. Its been a week and a day now and I keep beating myself up about it. I am still in disbelief of the things I said and I took off a day last week to speak with a professional about my expressing my feelings and my anger. I do not get why someone who I had not even known that long is affecting me like this. I also do not understand how he does not miss our conversations enough to forgive me. Everyone says just give it time and if not, its not meant to be and this was a learning lesson. But he was perfect, and the first guy who had everything I looked for in a man. I am impatient but I am trying to just work on enjoying not having any one to talk to…but I honestly just feel like I fucked up the best thing..

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